First week home, July 24, 2010, Saturday

Sadie got a package from Santa and his elf.  Color wonder markers and a princess marker book, and mommy got some bath and body goods... Calgon take me away!

We've been home a week now.  A crazy week at that.  The first part of the week was on the phone, off the phone waiting for calls and setting up appointments and rearranging appointments, discussing the drain tube site that opened up after Sadie was straining to have a bowel movement.   On discharge x-rays we were told her bowels were packed and they attempted a suppository while still at the hospital with no luck.  We then loaded her on lots of juice and Metamucil for days afterward.  After the site opened I cleaned it and covered it with a Bandaid over night, but removed it in the morning to air it out and clean it again.  The drainage was very foul smelling and I began to worry.   Talked to the doctors, drew an ink line around it and watched it.  I ended up having the girls next door watch Sadie Tuesday night while I ran to the store for suppositories. She was so miserable, not eating and straining with no results.  Finally, she had a large hard painful  bowel movement with the suppository she was not happy about having.   I knew in the subsequent days there would be a lot more coming from the bottom end and prepared myself.   The fun begins.

Finally, after back and forth phone calls with our pediatrician, the physicians and PCMC , their sleep center and another one we found in St. George, we finally got some appointments made.

This coming Wednesday, July 28th, we have a sleep study consult in St. George at 3:00 p.m. in the afternoon with the sleep study to follow that night beginning at 8:00.   Pray Barney makes it there and back okay.  I've stocked up on Antifreeze :D   

August 4th, is her followup appointment in Salt Lake with the cardiothoracic team.  Until this time she cannot bath or get her incision site wet.   The drain site got really bad and looked as though it was spreading the night before last, but the scab fell off in the night, drained some, and now the redness is going down and I think is finally healing.  Giving her a sponge bath yesterday and wetting her hair and redoing the braids was torture.

She has slept in her own bed the last 3 nights with her oxygen tubing down the back of her PJs.  I've learned a wrestling maneuver that helps with the struggle with the tender grips on her cheeks and attaching the tubing at night, and we are getting in the groove of things somewhat.

During our first week home.. I've tried to get the house clean. It was still a mess from when the grand kids were here earlier in the month.   I shampooed the front room carpet and Sadie's room. I put together my book shelf and start eliminating junk and crap from the house.  The dining room/work area is still in need of attention.  I've mowed the lawn, pulled weeds, dug up some more of the garden, planted some more flowers, and have kept myself busy as I can, and until tonight haven't been able to sit down at the computer very long without being distracted, afraid if I stopped I'd fall completely apart.

A friend came by a few times and has fixed my sprinkling system for me, so now I can water everything and it is working well.  It amazes me what stressed me out for over a month and gave me grief in trying to fix the piping took a man a few minutes.  There are just somethings, I must admit, I just can't do.  But, I still refuse to admit I need a man.  I can't let myself believe that anymore.

Today, was my down day.  It's all hitting me now.  This is how it works with me... when the dust settles somewhat I lose it.

I worked in the yard yesterday and again this morning.   It's a Utah holiday. A girlfriend invited me to their town pioneer parade, but I didn't want to go anywhere.  Well, I did, but where I wasn't really welcome.  I have to remind myself consistently that things aren't the way I want and never will be.  I'm on my own and always will be.  Sadie and I are it.  I just struggle getting out doing things, just us too.

Today, I've been totally emotional, crying.  I tried working it off outside.  I then unboxed the porch swing/glider I bought while in Cache Valley, with visions of Sadie and I swinging in the evenings and watching the birds.   I looked at the instructions and broke into tears, and didn't even attempt the thousand bolts, screws and parts. 

I worked a few hours while Sadie napped.  She's been a bit grumpy today and has needed a long nap both yesterday and today.   I finally decided to nap myself.   I'm depressed, and I can't let myself be that way.

I just can't.

Tonight I feel so alone, lonely and totally spent.

I admit it. Tonight, I need to be held and the comfort of a loving man's strong arms around me, but admitting it is even more painful.   It isn't going to happen in this life time.

Somehow, somewhere I need to cow girl up and gain the strength to carry on without the tears and longing for that kind of comfort...

and I will..  I am becoming stronger and I will bury that part of Julie.. the insecure, needy, dependent, loser part of me.  I have to.