Sunshine Sadie Mae

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Where are you Christmas..

Sadie got her school pictures back and we are really happy with the way they caught her personality.

It is a tough time of year for me right now with losing my mom in the spring, making this move to Cedar City and making myself out as a complete fool over someone who never really wanted me to be a part of his life anyway. I really felt strongly this was the right thing to do and that he was my one. I followed what I thought was spiritual guidance, only to be turned away like I'm diseased. I feel more displaced and lost than ever. At least I guess now I can get him out of my system and move on.

On the flip side of things... Sadie is so amazed with her surroundings this year. She is discovering so many things for the first time. When it snowed last week she wanted to sit in it and play and was mad at me because I wouldn't let her because she doesn't have snow boots, etc. She absolutely loves the Christmas lights and to my surprise does not touch the Christmas tree. She gives me a reason to get up every day and carry on. She makes me smile and laugh through my tears. Her hugs and kisses are the best. To me it doesn't even feel like Christmas.

I'm at a total loss of what to do with my life at this point. I don't even dare ask God. I'm not sure I have the ability to truly interpret his guidance anymore. I want to do what is right more than anything.

I've gotten back on an LDS dating site. I really hate the search and the weeding through men to find the right one. I wasted the last 5 years on someone who only wanted his wife back from day 1 anyway, and I was just his backup girl when she wasn't available. I don't know that I can trust anyone with my heart again, but I guess I'll try. Weeee-haw....

However, I am thankful Sadie is doing so well. She has hardly been sick this last year and is growing and learning. I'll see all my kids the day after Christmas and I can't wait. I have 2 grand babies I haven't met yet. I'm picking up Joni and Steven at the airport Christmas night and going home to Cache Valley then for a few days. I miss my kids and grand kids horribly.

The school called last week and they are moving Sadie out to Three Peaks Preschool in Enoch because the one she is enrolled in now has too many kids, so they are taking pretty much Sadie's bus out to Enoch. They are going to send her aid with her so the change won't be too bad. We meet with her new teacher tomorrow and the transfer will take place the first of the year. I really don't want to drive out that way tomorrow. The thought being even remotely close to his place makes my heart leap and my eyes weep. Part of me is thinking if she has to trade schools anyway why not just go home, but most of me just says it doesn't matter where I'm at.

Onward ...we go.