Sunshine Sadie Mae

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

School year scrapbook page & First Eye Glasses

A page out of Sadie's scrapbook from pre-school
Sadie always colors, paints and draws with such intent.
Sadie wearing her new glasses for the first time.

We found a pink wading pool for Sadie.. it's part of her Birthday
late, and she loves it!

Sadie got her glasses today. She growled at the technician at first, but we kept telling her how pretty she was and after that she loved them and was even more excited about saying hi..hi.. hi.. to everyone at the pharmacy and the grocery store. After we got home, that was a different story... I had to go looking for them several times, but I am surprised she has worn them as much as she has and in time I think she'll wear them. It's hard to fit her tiny nose and funky ears and head... they slip off her nose a lot. Maybe she'll enjoy actually seeing the world a bit clearer now.

Yesterday was a challenging day to say the least. Sadie plays in her poo when she gets a chance and I generally try to watch her close and get her changed before she gets time to think about it, but last night I didn't think she'd go and when I went to check on her she had finger painted her Television, the drawers, and herself..... We went right for the tub and I spent the evening disinfecting and cleaning up. I handled it well, but man... I cried later on, and laughing now... I guess it's the artist in her. She loves to fingerpaint and maybe we need to do that with actual paints at home more and maybe get out play dough, etc., and experiment. She loves to color with sidewalk chalk. The girls next door, ages 11 and 14, came over tonight and colored on the driveway with her so I could get my petunias planted out front without having to chase her down the street. She heads right down the sidewalk to the church or the school playground!!! She is so at home here. We really do love our house and neighbors and ward members. I really do feel in that respect we are where we are supposed to be living. Lexy, the 11 year-old next door, is one of my girls I work with in Achievement days for church. Yes, I have a calling. They called me to be a primary worker about 4 weeks ago. It feels good to be serving again. It really does... and the girls adore Sadie.. and Sadie loves the girls.

I was thinking as I was rocking and singing Sadie "Baby Mine" last night,,, that I'd clean up poo every day forever if we didn't have to go through heart surgery again. I'm really anxious and nervous about it this time... Well I was last time too, but being through it once before doesn't make it easier. My life was crazy even back then, but losing mom, trying to come to terms with the realization that there has never been nor ever will be a male companion I can depend on for any emotional support whatsoever and that God's complete plan is not truly meant for me, makes it all the harder. Dad's going to be there at least the day of the surgery, which I'm very thankful for. I need to call the University Inn and see if I can get a room cheap still while she's in PICU as I can't stay with her those days. It will be here before I know it.

Kinley and Madilyn are coming the end of the month for 10 days, until July 4th, and then Sadie's surgery will be the next week, July 12th. We have to have preop tests done Sunday, July 11, but that won't take long.

Please pray for my Sadie Mae, for me, and for her siblings. Joni is having a really hard time being in Florida, and not being here with her... and Jeni has expressed much anxiety over it as well, and her cousin, Kinley, prays for her best buds heart every night. Jeana, worries too. Jessica, I worry about as well, because Braxton needs open heart surgery this year too for a hole in his heart and I don't want our experience making her even more anxious for Braxton's. I can't imagine life without my lil white tornado.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Time for glasses

Sadie had failed her eye exam at school.  She saw Dr. Albreicht yesterday for an eye exam. I was totally in awe with the man and his patience and instantaneous love for Sadie Mae.  She felt his good Spirit about him..ran to him and climbed on his lap and gave him a hug, more than once.  Sadie doesn't do this with men.  I can count on one hand the men she has been drawn to with such affection. 

She saw the light instrument coming at her and started growling at him, shielding her eyes, covering them, and was not cooperative at all.  I ended up wearing some bug glasses and danced in a corner to try and get her to look at me so he could get a peak at her eyes.

She is near and far-sighted with a stigmatism.  He prescribed her glasses, stating he knows he under prescribed them, but would prefer to under prescribe than over, and we are hoping she will get used to them and enjoy the benefits of actually seeing the world.

Of course with her low set ears and funky head and nose measurements the choices in glasses were slim, but we ended up with the first pair we spotted.. pink plastic frames with nice curved ear pieces that will fit her head fine...and of course... pink will match everything she wears.

Sadie touches so may peoples lives.  She beams with love and light, and is drawn to those with good hearts and loving Spirits.

Or course, she kept me hopping in the doctors office and there wasn't even a second to take a picture, but I will post one when she gets her glasses in a week or so.  They make her ears poke out makes her Down syndrome even more apparent.

Those who have chosen not to be a part of her life and feel of her Spirit and shine in her light are missing out on so many blessings.... it breaks my heart even more for her, than I, that we have been rejected by someone we both love dearly...who is denying himself so many many blessings by having us in his life.

Every day, minute and second is so precious with her.   I live in fear daily if this will be the last.  I try so hard to think positive, that she will do well with her heart surgery and I will have her for many many more years to enjoy and learn from her, but I also know how life goes and it's not full of promises of a brighter tomorrow.

I struggle with panic and anxiety attacks, and through my reactions to them have lost the friendship and love of someone very close to my heart.  I pray continuously for his forgiveness and that he will be able to truly see me for the good and honest person  I am, and that I do have a love for all people, even those he thinks I don't.  I honestly strive to be a good person and do what is right.  I'm facing, and have been facing my greatest fears in life and that is abandonment, being a lone, and never knowing true love.  I have a tender heart and get hurt easily and react badly to rejection.

If God will let me have more time with Sadie Mae I promise to get over these fears and never, ever, ever, ask for or seek the love of a man again.  She has all the love I'll ever need.   Yes, a good loving man in our lives would be welcome, but I'm already far more blessed than I deserve with my awesome children, grandchildren, good family and friends, and for the blessed opportunity to be Sadie Mae's earthly mother.

I do know if God does call her home it will be her time and his will, and through a very vivid dream where mom came to me in the hospital after being told she wouldn't make it through the night...put her arm around my shoulder from behind and told me... that it would be okay that she would take care of her and love her.  That dream is with me daily.

Losing mom last year, losing the love of my life through his choices, and now the fear of losing Sadie Mae... is forcing me to face my fears of being alone, abandonment, and losing the love I crave.

I know my Heavenly Father loves me, but I'm still learning to have faith in his timing and his reasoning for the trials I must face.