Sunshine Sadie Mae

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Long week/sick Sadie Mae

Last week seemed very long and yet full of stress and some excitement as well. Sadie missed all week of school. We were in the doctor's office, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, but hey we avoided a hospital stay.. Whew. Monday she was diagnosed with ear infections, bronchitis (bacteremia) and a red throat with a fever and cough, and given a shot of Rocephin, and back in the office for a recheck on Tuesday. Tuesday the doctor could hear more crackles in the lung bases, but her oxygen saturations were good so she sent her home on oral antibiotics to top off the shot from Monday. Wednesday she had worsened, fever, lethargic, wheezing, and struggling to breathe, so we were back in the doctors office again with sats running at 83%. However, her white blood cell count had been trending downward, meaning the antibiotics were doing their thing as far as the infection goes. She was given a breathing treatment in the office which brought her sats up and was sent home with a nebulizer and breathing treatments. The first treatments I had to create a new wrestling hold to hold her and keep the mask on her face while she breathed in the ... eventually she cooperated, realizing it was opening her airway and helping her.

I felt bad having to drag her to the store, pharmacy and to the medical supply store in the cold and snow, but I had no other choice, being a single parent, but we do what we have to do. It's such a struggle going to bed at night with worry and fear for my child's health, and no one to give me any reassurance or comfort. I wonder if one ever gets used to alone. Beth, and older from my ward back in Smithfield, says's always hard, no matter how long you have been alone nor how young or old one is. But, I'm strong, so they say. I have to be, by force.

The realtor called with a home that had just come on the market, cheap, a foreclosure that was a lot like the one home I have been drooling over and wanted me to see it, and I finally did and fell absolutely in love with the place. It screamed Julie.. Julie Julie.... soooo... I made an offer on the house, and I've been on the edge of my seat, waiting anxiously for the bank to decide between my offer and another, making for a long weekend. I've driven to the neighborhood and by the house every day since, afraid to hope, and yet afraid to not hope. I really need this house. I really need a place to call home. I'm the type of person who needs roots and a place to call my own, to be at ease. I need this house. Sadie needs this house. I've been praying for it.

We made it to church today. Sadie's still a bit grumpy, still quite congested, and coughing, but has been without fever for a couple days, and we really needed to get out. Sadie so loves church and being around other people. The members in our ward really enjoy her and don't mind telling me so either. The people in the drug store smile big when they see us coming and know Sadie by name and She brings so much happiness to those around her. Her light just shines. Jeremy blessed her to be a ray of sunshine to all she comes in contact with, and that she is. She's my sunshine, my hope and my life.

Sadie was supposed to have her yearly cardiology appointment with Primary Children's tomorrow, but due to the respiratory illness she has to be better for 4 weeks before they will risk sedating her for the echocardiogram, so we have rescheduled that for March 29th, and will probably spend the weekend with Jessica and Clark, and enjoy sometime with them, Baylee and Braxton :) <3 <3

Spring has to be on it's way soon... my fingers are itching to play in the dirt and grow some flowers and veggies.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Pulling my head out

Since I've been pre-qualified for a home loan I've been on a roller-coaster of emotion of emotion, torn between where I want to live or "should" live. I feel bad in some ways in that we see less of my family by living here. This is something I've never taken lightly. I've contemplated moving here over the years. I thought it was for love, but I think maybe that person was just my key to getting here, that maybe we weren't meant to be at all. However, I've grown to really love this place. It feels like home. Though, some still question my logic and sanity over my decisions, but I'm comfortable here, and I feel it's the right decision for Sadie and I to settle here. Sadie is doing well in the school system here and her therapists are just awesome. People are kind to use. I really feel this is where we need to be. I feel free of some of my painful past. I really need this new start for Sadie and I. It doesn't mean I don't love my family or miss them terribly, but they have to live their own lives, and I need to live mine where we feel we are led.

I really think in buying my own home is also a breakthrough for me in that I can finally break away any hopes for this relationship that has had me in distress for years. I can take care of me and Sadie. I've always known that. I didn't want a man to provide for use physically and financially. I wouldn't let one. I'm very very stubborn that way, and when it comes to Sadie's care I'm even more stubborn about it. I've been accused of just wanting a man for his home, $$ and to be a father to Sadie.....well those accusers don't know Julie well at all! Hell will freeze over before I'll lean on a man for any of those things, and I refuse to live in another woman's home. I want a home that spells "Julie" all over it with my personality, my tastes, and not an EX's.

Yes, I believe I'm finally healing from a lot of things.

I have a sweet female realtor I relate to well and who is being very helpful. She is lining up homes for me to visit. I'm really not fond of a condo, until she mentioned a swimming pool, but even then I need more of a yard, privacy, etc., than a condo can provide. Twin homes seem to be a big thing here and affordable, so I'm looking into several of them. I found a couple dream homes. One is out of my price range and the other one is sooo Julie but it's in Panguich which I think is too far out there for Sadie's best interests and care.

I'm talented. I'm not brilliant, but I am smart enough to take care of us without being a burden or dependent on family. I will not become a user or dependent leach to my family. It's selfish and not right.

I found Sadie a castle princess bed and I can't wait to start in on decorating her room. Yes, she is spoiled and will be, but she will also be disciplined and learn to do as much for herself as she can. She will be more confident and content if she feels she can be like everyone else and pull her weight in some ways.

She is so appreciative of the little things. Music brings her much joy. She teaches me so much every day about the simple things in life, and I plan on doing more of it.

I can't wait to get us settled. I'm going to plant flowers in every corner I can squeeze them in, some vegetables, and climbing roses and ivy over the fences, put in some fountains or little ponds and have gold fishies. I'm going to surround a room with shelves for my dolls, and sew and quilt, and play dolls with Sadie, play my piano, teach Sadie to play, dance and sing with her, and take her to church and teach her about Jesus, color, draw, paint, make crafts, visit family, maybe tour canyon lands... I wanted to share this all with a good man, but I can't find one who wants to share it with me....sobeit.

I'm going to keep moving forward, be a good person, do what is right, get back to the Temple, and God will take care of us. I'm afraid at this point in my life he's the only man that will. I didn't need a man for $$ or their home, etc., I needed his companionship, emotional support, and love, but few men have that to offer me. God knows my heart. Yes, I need a man to get into the Celestial Kingdom, and if I live my life as such God won't deny me that privilage. Maybe not in this life. I'm done fretting over finding one. It's just killed my self-esteem and confidence when I'm turned away, rejected, left alone and un-thought of for months at a time. Obviously it makes for a very selfish man who can only show up when they need you.

I'm on my way to getting better, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually and nothing is going to stand in my way, and if that means shutting men out of my life then that's just how it will have to be. I will not be hurt again by any man. I'm worth a lot more than I get credit for.

Sadie is my world. She is my Angel and my best friend for life. All of my kids are. I adore my grandkids and I will spend time with them too.

Julie and Sadie are going to be okay. We may be slow, but we have good hearts and we know what is right. We are going to make it.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

February already

The highlight as of late as attending Baylee's blessing Eagle Mountain. I'm so very blessed with wonderful responsible children who are successful in caring for themselves and their children. I must of done something right somewhere.

I loved spending the night at Jess and Clark's. I got to hold and love Baylee and play with Braxton and really enjoy them. The blessing was really nice, and it was good to see most of my kids and grandchildren again. I really do cherish and love my family more than they know. I'm truly blessed with good children, in-laws and gorgeous grandchildren. I'm so proud of Maeleigh at the piano with her daddy. They both have inherited something good from me. :) <3

Well.. wah lah. It is the middle of February and the new year is passing by once again. Valentines Day for me was just like all the others. It's a stupid holiday. There is no romance and true love. It's all one big joke.

Update in the relationship department, is that I did not move ahead with the relationship I was talking about in December's notes. I'm not moving ahead with any relationships anymore.

Dad got me thinking about buying a home again and he has looked at a few in Cache Valley for me and talked to his banker. I went ahead and filled out an application for a loan, expecting to be turned down, but wanted to know where I was at credit-wise and what I needed to do to obtain a loan. The loan officer called me yesterday afternoon and told me I pre-qualified for a loan and to start looking at houses, and he'd send me the loan papers to start working on. I was in total shock. I still am, and yet I was so excited I practically danced through the supermarket with Sadie. We are finally going to have our own home. I've ached and ached for a place to call home of my own for 6 years now. Tomorrow, February 18, will mark the 6th year of my divorce. I started searching for homes online and I found myself looking at homes here in Cedar, and made at list of many I wanted to look at, etc., and it felt so good and so right. I don't know why. I have no reason to stay here other than I like the small town, the good air quality, the warmer weather, the people, etc., but my kids live in Cache Valley and I miss them. I called my dad and he was excited about the loan, but not about my choice of where to live, so I told him I'd think more about it. He reminded me to pray. Well, ya I have earnestly prayed about this, just like I did about my move here. Obviously, I don't recognize my answers to prayers.

I need a home. Sadie needs a safe yard to play in, a sandbox, a swing set and stability in her schooling and all. I felt she was doing really well here, but what do I know. I'm a loser mom, and that's all she's got.

When I think of staying here I feel at peace and at home. When I contemplate moving back to Cache Valley I get confused, panicky, nervous, and very uneasy. Many have their own opinions and interpretations of why I feel the way I do. I thought my prayers were being answered with such peace. I've tried really hard to be open minded and weigh the benefits of living here versus Cache Valley and the benefits of living in Cache Valley. It's not an easy decision. I'm torn, and yet like I said.. I get peace when I pray about staying here. Does that make it right? I once thought so. I thought that's how prayers were answered... but apparently many think I'm delusional. Maybe I am.... but I guess I'm a big girl and can make my own decisions whether it be a mistake or not.