Sadie received one of Emily's smile box's, full of crayons, markers, TY beanie babies, and little things to take with us to the hospital to keep Sadie occupied.
and on our way home we took the long way through Honeyville and visited grandma for a bit, and I couldn't help be shed several tears and wonder what God had in store for us.. Would my little girl come through surgery okay? or would he call her mission over now that her mom has her life together somewhat, would she be there in the cemetery next to grandma? So many anxieties and fears.
My friend and possible relative, and photographer, TinaMarie was coming through Cedar City and she knew I wanted some pictures of Sadie and I together, so she stopped into meet us and do a photo shoot.
Because my anxieties, panic attacks and fears had the best of me, in worrying about how Sadie would fair through her surgery, and knowing she could have a heart attack at any time and without surgery she wouldn't be with us long anyway... I started hanging onto other's faith and feelings on her outcome. During her time here at my house and doing the photo shoot in my yard and watching Sadie Mae TinaMarie had seen Sadie dressed in white, a few years older, at a wedding reception, and she told me she had the feeling that Sadie's mission here wasn't over and won't be until she sees me married to my eternal companion and being sealed to the person who is to be her father. She told me this after her return home. I've hung onto that, as well as others telling me they just had the feeling she'd come through things okay. I knew I had to lean on others inspirations, as I was not trusting my own.
I knew I only had a few days before we had to head to Salt Lake and I was dreading each passing day, and yet I had so much to do try and prepare the house, etc., to leave. I spent so much time trying to fix that dumb sprinkler pipe and finally gave up after many tears and just turned that part of the system off when I was gone. The house didn't get cleaned from our 10 day party with the girls. So much didn't get done. I didn't get as much work done and never did get ahead on my line count... and after falling apart several times I had to just start letting go of the things that just had to take a back burner and were least of importance as the dreaded day drew near.
I had many friends from everywhere, family, and ward members who fasted and prayed for us on Sunday, July 4th (regular monthly fast Sunday for us mormons) and many other friends of other faiths sending thoughts, love and prayers our way. I counted 17, that I know of, LDS Temples that Sadie has been on the prayer rolls and prayed for by thousands over the the last few months. I've been in awe at how many people really do sincerely care for us.
It's hard to explain the fear and anxieties a mother has over her child's health and well-being, especially a child who has chronic health issues and/or a heart patient... no one can truly understand unless you are or have been a mother going through similar situations. It's torture. I've spend hours on my knees, begging Heavenly Father for more time with. I know he'll call her home someday, as he will all of us, but I'm not ready to give her back to him. I don't think I ever truly will be, but I know he will. I asked him to please, please, give me a few more years with her. I feared God would put me to the ultimate test, and in a way he has. Every day has been a roller coaster of emotion. Every day I've tried to enjoy ever precious moment with Sadie Mae, wondering when it will be the last. I've developed so many sty's in my eyes the last few months from crying daily.
I finally have had to realize I have no control over most things in my life and I have turned it over to God. He's heard my prayers, knows the desires of my hearts and I've asked him for more time and I know I must trust that he knows best and if and when he calls her home it will be for my own good......but I've asked him to please take this cup from me.. I know without the many prayers in our behalf and the help from the other side of the veil I never would have held up as well as I did.. I felt like I was taking the lamb to the slaughter. Sadie wouldn't understand what was going to happen to her. With her first surgery she was too young to remember it and it just seemed so much harder in many ways this time around,