Where are you Christmas..

Sadie got her school pictures back and we are really happy with the way they caught her personality.

It is a tough time of year for me right now with losing my mom in the spring, making this move to Cedar City and making myself out as a complete fool over someone who never really wanted me to be a part of his life anyway. I really felt strongly this was the right thing to do and that he was my one. I followed what I thought was spiritual guidance, only to be turned away like I'm diseased. I feel more displaced and lost than ever. At least I guess now I can get him out of my system and move on.

On the flip side of things... Sadie is so amazed with her surroundings this year. She is discovering so many things for the first time. When it snowed last week she wanted to sit in it and play and was mad at me because I wouldn't let her because she doesn't have snow boots, etc. She absolutely loves the Christmas lights and to my surprise does not touch the Christmas tree. She gives me a reason to get up every day and carry on. She makes me smile and laugh through my tears. Her hugs and kisses are the best. To me it doesn't even feel like Christmas.

I'm at a total loss of what to do with my life at this point. I don't even dare ask God. I'm not sure I have the ability to truly interpret his guidance anymore. I want to do what is right more than anything.

I've gotten back on an LDS dating site. I really hate the search and the weeding through men to find the right one. I wasted the last 5 years on someone who only wanted his wife back from day 1 anyway, and I was just his backup girl when she wasn't available. I don't know that I can trust anyone with my heart again, but I guess I'll try. Weeee-haw....

However, I am thankful Sadie is doing so well. She has hardly been sick this last year and is growing and learning. I'll see all my kids the day after Christmas and I can't wait. I have 2 grand babies I haven't met yet. I'm picking up Joni and Steven at the airport Christmas night and going home to Cache Valley then for a few days. I miss my kids and grand kids horribly.

The school called last week and they are moving Sadie out to Three Peaks Preschool in Enoch because the one she is enrolled in now has too many kids, so they are taking pretty much Sadie's bus out to Enoch. They are going to send her aid with her so the change won't be too bad. We meet with her new teacher tomorrow and the transfer will take place the first of the year. I really don't want to drive out that way tomorrow. The thought being even remotely close to his place makes my heart leap and my eyes weep. Part of me is thinking if she has to trade schools anyway why not just go home, but most of me just says it doesn't matter where I'm at.

Onward ...we go.

December 2009

November 2009

Halloween 2009

Tis the Season to be Snotty ... luh..luh

As usual I've been fighting congestion and runny nose, and this morning I woke up fevering and listless, so off to the doctors office we went. The doctor said it looked viral, but my eyes were infected so she was going to only give me eye drops, but then decided to run a CBC and as it turns out my white blood cell count was borderline high with a differential shift, leading to possibly bacterial infection, so I left the office with 2 prescriptions for antibiotics. They also ran a H1N1 (swine flu) nasal swab test. I did not like the bandage on my finger and kept poking inside it and got blood on my other fingers, and mom eventually helped me take it off and clean my hands.

Earlier in the year mom kinda thought everyone was overreacting about H1N1, that it wasn't going to be anything worse than the seasonal flu is. Well, she was wrong. She made the mistake of watching the news today and getting the stats on deaths and risks it is to the young and those with underlying medical conditions such as I have, and she had a full blown panic attack.

The new doctor and PA in training were impressed with my heart murmur. Most doctors are. I have a very musical heart.

After the doctors and the pharmacy mom got medicine down me. I was fevering when I went down for a nap and when she checked on me a couple hours later my clothes were soaking wet in my sweat.

I guess I kind of made the final decision on whether we'd go home to Cache Valley this weekend. We miss the girls soo much, grandpa and Toto too..

It's the last day of the pay period and of course mom isn't going to make her line count.

Mom said she wants to just lock us indoors till spring and pray I don't get really sick. She says we've had too many losses this year.

I woke up from my nap a little more chipper. Enough to trash the apartment again at least and give mom lots of hugs and kisses.

I'm the light of my mom's life.

October is Down Syndrome Awareness Month

October is Down Syndrome Awareness month, as well as Breast cancer awareness month; so hug an Angel and buy Pink, PinK, PINK....

We established care with a local pediatrician yesterday and got my flu shot. We really like Dr. Dowse and he said I'm just absolutely adorable, and mom told him, yes, yes she is and she knows it. tee*hee.

I've gained 3 lbs since we moved here! I now weight 30 lbs and I'm 35 inches tall, which puts my weight in the 30% range, height 5%, and weight for height 90%, short and stout.

Dr. Dowse also referred us to the eye doctor, ENT doctor and dentist, and informed us that a cardiologist from Primary Children's comes to St. George monthly, so that will save us a trip to Salt Lake in the spring for my EKG.

My right tympanostomy tube has come out and is just sitting in the ear canal, so I may have to have that replaced. If the ENT doctor feels comfortable with sedation and my heart condition we may have it done here versus Salt Lake, but we'll see. It makes mom nervous. We also may need to have a sleep study done too.

I have an appointment with the dentist Monday, but not the other doctors as of yet. There are so many adjustments and changes in moving.

I'm really wanting to talk as of late. I try singing Baby Mine with mom when she rocks me to sleep, trying to move my mouth, lips and tongue like mom does as she sings. Friends sent me a dancing Kids Songs DVD and I love to dance. I've learned to kick one leg out in front of me and I try to jump, which are some things physical therapy have been working with me to learn.

I love the Halloween decorations and love the lighted pumpkin on our porch. I really got upset with the windstorm when it blew my pumpkin off the table and we had to bring it in. Mom said this tying everything down will take some adjusting to. In Cache Valley everything just froze in place!!!!! I get really excited when mom turns the lights on at night. Christmas lights are going to be totally amazing. It's so exciting to notice all the wonders of the world suddenly. There is so much to take in. What a beautiful world God has created for us to live in.

Mom gave me popcorn last week for the first time and I'm thinking I like it, which surprised mom because there are not many foods I do like.

My skin is dry here. My cheeks and chin are chapped from the wind and dry air. We keep the humidifier going night and day. However, I like the breeze. I raise my hands high above my head, look up and squint my eyes and squeal as if I am flying. Mom isn't so fond of the "breeze", but when my sisters reported it was snowing in Cache Valley she didn't feel so bad being isolated here. Jeana said MOM don't you dare come back here, Winter sucks!!! But, we'll see. Mom's allergies in the fall aren't kind to her and with it even more dry here she is miserable.

When mom sneezes or cough I try to do the same. I'm starting to imitate more. I even took a tissue and tried blowing my nose. Mom loves watching me learn and catch onto things. I even try feeding mom my food and saying ummmm....mmmm...mmmm to get her to eat it.

Yesterday I stuck my finger in a little boys mouth at school and he chomped it. My aid and teacher both felt really bad. Mom wouldn't have noticed I don't think if the teacher hadn't of called, but yup I have 2 lil bite marks on my ring finger, which turned a little red last night so we are watching it, but we don't think it will get infected. The doctor asked mom if the boy has had his rabies shot. ha..ha.ha.. probably not.. but mom said, I'm sure he had boy cooties.. tee*hee.

Mom has a big box of hand-me-downs for Madilyn. I've outgrown most everything. Mom stuffed me into a blanket sleeper the other night and told me to suck in my Buddha belly so she can zip it up. Same goes for my jacket. Mom said we need to get some new clothes for me, starting with some hoodies, jackets and blanket sleepers. It's cooler at night now and I don't sleep with my covers on.

We are going to have to arrange our time and finances and make a trip to Cache Valley before the weather gets bad. Mom's not sure how many trips Barney can make anymore. We have a box of stuff for Braxton and a box of clothes for the nieces. However, it's kind of hard on mom thinking of going to visit. She misses everyone really bad and all, but it's hard to face that Grandma is really gone. So we'll see.

We are still pretty isolated in our little spot here, but mom says we are going to start going to church regularly and start socializing a little, but I'm working on a cold. It's that time of year where we lock ourselves up in our bubble, outside of school that is now.

We do have a friend here, LeAnn, who has a boy with DS, and they have offered to help out with me anytime mom needs a break. Mom says LeAnn is our Angel Friend here in Cedar City. She has been so helpful and kind to us.

We still get a little homesick. Mom still cries some nights after Kinley calls. We sure miss my nieces and sisters. Yet, we feel pretty comfy here and settling in pretty well in spite of missing everyone and things not working out here like we had hoped, but we still feel this is where we belong.

The beatitudes of friends of exceptional children

Blessed are you who take time to listen to difficult speech:
For you help us to know that if we persevere,
We can be understood.
Blessed are you who walk with us in public places,
And ignore the stares of strangers,
For in your companionship,
We find havens of peace.
Blessed are you who never bid us to "hurry up",
And more blessed are you
Who do not snatch tasks from our hands to do them for us,
For often we need time rather than help.
Blessed are you who stand beside us
As we enter new and untried ventures,
For our failures will be outweighed
By the times we surprise ourselves and you.
Blessed are you who ask for our help,
For our greatest need is to be needed.
Blessed are you when you assure us,
That the one thing that makes us individuals
Is not in our peculiar muscles,
Nor in our wounded nervous systems,
Nor in our difficulties in learning,
Nor any exterior difference.
But is in our inner, personal, individual self
Which no infirmity can diminish or erase.

~Author unknown~

Sadie's weekend

After trying for months I finally did it and I can do it repeatedly now. I can fit mega blocks together!!! Mom was so excited... she cried. ha..ha.. and took a picture, of course. She's so proud of me!

Mom also got out my toy bucket and other buckets and let me play in the water outside. Summer's over and we finally got out in the sunshine. Mom and I usually are so brown by now from living at the swimming pool all summer. This year we went 2x. The year has just flown by us. I had so much fun! I also figured out water comes out of the hose and was really fascinated by it. Mom sure had a good time soaking up some sun and watching me play. I don't like to walk on grass or play on grass, so I kept trying to get to the bucket a different angle through the rocks, but that didn't work good, so I stayed on the pavement. I'm so OCD about some things.

Our neighbors invited us over for Michelle's Birthday (the little girl who lives 2 doors down). She turned 4 and got a swing set for her Birthday, so mom and I went over and I played on the slide. I wanted to swing, but I can't balance on regular swing seats, so I stuck with the slide and jumping on their tramp or tried to jump. I usually just sit and bounce, but this time I actually stood up and tried bouncing myself. I'm trying really hard at doing things.


I was really excited this morning to get on the bus. I came home and at first was excited to see mom, but I turned around and looked at the bus and cried, which is very very unusual for me. Mom hugged me and took me in to feed me lunch. I threw my food on the floor and screamed. I drank my milk, but was still very grumpy. Mom noticed they changed my shirt at school, which isn't a surprise. I've been drinking out of my sippy cups really good for a very long time, yet in the last couple weeks or more a lot of times I get too much in my mouth and let it run down my shirt and onto my pants in large quantities, soaking everything. Mom's really puzzled why I'm doing this. Mom tried putting me in my crib for a nap and I threw my blankets, George and my binky out and cried and screamed, again very unusual for me. Mom then rocked me and sang Baby Mine to me til I fell asleep.

Hopefully I wake up happier this afternoon.

But mom has a feeling we need to work on communication and behavioral issues more. I'm so frustrated, and mom is too. She wants to help me, but doesn't know what I want or need. I learn things, do them well awhile, and then don't do them again.

I'll learn.

School does a girl good

Mom looked in on me yesterday while I was playing in my room and this is what she found much to her surprise. I generally eat and rip up books, yet I was sitting my Elmo chair turning "paper" pages in the book Monsters, Inc., and carefully "reading" studying the pictures. Mom was soo excited she got the camera. Turning pages means I'm learning fine motor skills. I'm starting to take note more and more of my surroundings and how things work. I now say Hi, Hi, along with my yay yay and bye bye, and I grab mom's arm when I want something or hang on the kitchen counter. I'm starting to indicate I want something and learning what communication is all about. I've been struggling for weeks on how to put Mega blocks together, but I'm determined. Mom sits with me and shows me and helps me and sometimes I can do it, but lots of times I just get frustrated and throw them. With lots of patience and persistence I'll learn, just at my own pace.

My New Nephew Baby Benjamin

Baby Benjamin was born September 14, the day after my Grandpa's birthday, to my sister Joni, her husband Steven and niece Brooklyn. I now have 5 nieces and 2 nephews. Mom is so relieved he's here. Steven is in the Army, but still in training and Joni has been alone in Alabama. We have missed them sooo much since they moved. Mom will feel better now that he's here and Steven is home for a 10 day leave and will be out of training soon. Mom felt bad we aren't in Alabama to help with Brooklyn and the baby. We considered going to Alabama to live for awhile this summer until Joni got settled and Steven could be home with her, but mom felt very strongly we needed to move here, and now she's wishing she'd gone to Alabama. We are more alone now than ever. We still don't know why we are here. Why would God send us here to bring us more pain and loneliness? A test of faith? Mom says it's time for a break. I think we should take a Disney cruise... but mom is thinking, ya me too, only we took out a loan on the only thing we own and that's our junker Barney mobile, to have the money to move here. Now we have a loan to make payments on, are away from family, left our piano behind, and on and on, only to discover we really don't belong here either.

So, I guess we make the best of things while we are here until we can figure plan B, which is to figure out where we want to spend the rest of our days, buy us a little cottage somewhere with a fenced in yard for me to play safely in, maybe get me a trained guard dog, plant flowers, run through sprinklers and play dolls the rest of our days here on earth. Mom says she's done looking for someone to share our life with and be part of our lil immediate family. She says anymore the risks aren't worth it and she won't expose me to boyfriends and men who could harm me, and when mom's crying or sad I'm sad too. I'm very very sensitive to feelings and even when mom tries to hide it I can sense her sadness and pain, and it makes me hurt, and she doesn't want me in that kind of environment. We just lost the last man she'd ever trust her heart with again and who would be kind to me. Mom says maybe we'll move close to Kinley and we can go to school together. I really miss Kinley, and my other nieces. We took a lot of risks in coming in. We came here on inspiration and in faith, and yet even though mom's hurting really bad inside, missing grandma and losing this relationship here, she still feels some peace that she can't explain through her tears. She still refuses to believe it was a mistake in coming here, which she really cannot explain.

Mom thinks maybe we'll go visit Kinley sooner than late October now, but we'll see. Gas is expensive, so going home to visit isn't as easy as we'd hoped it would be. The weekend of the 1st is UEA weekend and I won't have school and we can have extra time visiting.

Besides... October 1 is an Anniversary for mom that won't be celebrated this year or ever. She met her love October 1, here, 5 years ago, and she doesn't want to be here, alone, and sad.

More about School

I get so excited for the bus in the morning that I don't eat much. I just want my shoes and backpack and out the door. I pause in the driveway when I see the bus coming and flap my arms and squeal. Th love riding the bus. I come home just as excited to see my mom and she is very happy to see me. She says she really misses me when I'm gone, but happy I'm learning so much.

We are learning about colors and shapes at school and I brought the mouse hunt game home and signs to learn for my colors. Mom wasn't too excited. She was hoping we wouldn't have keep learning sign language, but guess what... we are! Mom doesn't think she can learn to easily, but for me... she will. A friend directed us to a link that actually video demonstrations of actual people making the signs, which mom thinks is a lot easier to learn than trying to learn it off a paper.. So let the fun begin.

I'm understanding the word "No" more and more. Order and discipline in school is a good thing. Sometimes people forget I'm not actually mentally 3 years old, but more closer to 2, and expect me to act more mature.

Mom got Direct TV yesterday so now I have a lot of TV I can watch, but I was so tired last night and got overstimulated by watching a show about whales in the water that mom had to turn it off and get me ready for bed. I love water.

I like to have the bath water running when I'm bathing and I can turn the water on myself, so mom lets me run it and when the hot water is gone, my bath is done, and I pitch a fit about having to get out. I'd stay in there until I turned blue. Mom says we need to find a pool around here so we can go swimming and get me some lessons.

We haven't been to church here yet. Mom chicken's out every week. One week I was sick and last week mom was too emotional. So, obviously we still don't know anyone here, and things fell apart with the few people we do know here, and yet mom still feels we are supposed to be here. It's strange.

We miss our family a lot and mom told Kinley that maybe in October we'll go visit on a weekend for the pumpkin walk and take our walk and do pictures at First Dam like we do every year. Kinley's having a hard time with us being gone. She thought she was going to see us when she went to another Grandma's party the other night and she cried and pitched and fit and wouldn't give the other Grandma her picture she colored because she said it was for "her marmma" (which is what she calls mom). Mom cried when Jeni told her how hard it was to get Kinley calmed down. Mom said moving here has been much harder than she thought it would be, especially given the fact that she was possibly mistaken for the reason why we are here and sad about that.

Another thing we have learned here is that I can't leave my sand bucket out or my balls out because the wind blows here all the time and blows things away. We had the mountains surrounding us back in Cache Valley and rarely felt any wind. There are also a lot of rocks!! I love to sit in them and play with them, scooping them up, etc., and I also like putting them in the mouth, which mom says NO to and "pft".

Zoo Day Pictures

My school year begins August 2009

Last week I started preschool here in Cedar City for the first time. I love riding the bus and my new aid. I can't wait for the bus to come in the morning.

My new word is yay..yay... yay... and I clap with it sometimes. So my 2 words as of now that I use consistently are yay and bye bye. Mom thinks she heard me say "ok" a few times. Today while I was getting off the bus I tried to say backpack. I learn so much at school. I really like the other children.

Mom has the front room together and the boxes out of it, but our bedrooms still need some work. Mom set up the sewing machine in her room and sewed some burp rags for Baby Benjamin (my new nephew coming any day now).

Last week we had company, Cassie and Braedan. We picked them up in Salt Lake last Saturday at the airport and took them back to Salt Lake this Saturday. Last Saturday we met my sister Jeni, Thomas, and my Kinley and Madilyn at the zoo and had a really good time. I've really missed Kinley. That's the hardest part for me and mom, being away from my siblings and my nieces and nephew. Mom's real stubborn though. She is still holding her ground and her belief that we belong here. I won't argue. I seem quite comfortable in my new surroundings. I love playing in the rocks with my shovel, prancing around on the porch and marching up and down the sidewalk. We are doing okay. Things aren't much different here than they were before our move, other than we don't see family at all versus occasionally. Mom says it may take us awhile, but we'll know where we fit in and belong eventually. Until then we have each other and that's good enough for me.

The zoo was fun. It's really the first time I noticed the animals and when I was allowed out of the stroller I ran... ran... exploring everything. I loved the bears. I even tried to say bear.. bear, but I did clap and say yay..yay.. Mom's favorite part was the carousel. Mom loves carousel's. Mom cried on the way home some. Kinley thought she was going home to grandma's house with us, but she doesn't understand grandma lives far away now and we can't just go to McDonald's every week. Mom says, though, that doing what you feel is right sometimes requires sacrifices and takes a lot of faith and perseverance to go through with things, even when it seems everyone seems to disagree with her decisions.

I've grown some. I can now reach the kitchen cabinets... yay..yay..yay.. more things I can get into and toss around. Mom put the trash can in the laundry room. She's really wondering what she's going to do when I learn to open doors.

I really enjoyed having Braedan around to play with and sometimes annoy when he was trying to play video games and such, but we loved playing ball and such. I love my mom and all, but she gets busy working and doesn't have a lot of time to sit down and play with me. She wishes she did. But, then, kids can be a lot more fun than mom's sometimes. I love to watch videos and I stick my nose right up to the screen and interact with the movies I'm watching. Cassie spoiled me while she was here and bought me a new video about Strawberry Shortcake and springtime, and a new outfit for school. She was so happy to see me. I like to make people smile and feel warm inside, and see their faces glow in my presence. We get stopped often in public by strangers who just want to say hello to me and tell mom what a special gift I am.

That I am, a special gift. Mom thanks Heavenly Father daily for me and the blessing I am in her life. She doesn't feel worthy of me and often feels like she's not giving me all that I deserve, but she thanks God every day for me, for giving her purpose and a reason to smile.

The "Adventure" begins......

We've been in our new home 1 week. Mommy is still trying to get the pile of boxes down in the front room, so at least that looks presentable from the front door, starting by sorting boxes to bedrooms, kitchen, etc. The kitchen boxes are unpacked and for the most part put away. Since we don't have a kitchen table mom set my play house up on the kitchen. It's groove'n. Our home is definitely girly girl.

It feels more and more like home as mom hung the pictures of my siblings, their spouses and my nieces and nephew on the wall, and grandma. It's so hard sometimes realizing that grandma is gone. Mom does okay most of the time, but has sudden outbursts of tears, missing her so very much.

Mom still is in shock she actually made this move. She has never been one to like change or tackle the world or big decisions and moves on her own. This is so out of my mom's comfort zone. She can only explain it as a force that has been driving her for years to get here. She thought she knew the reason, but sometimes wonders if it's something totally different than what her heart was set on.

Mom's friend came on Sunday to hook up the dryer, and boy was she ever thankful. I was happy to see mom's friends and welcomed them with hugs. Mom was happy to see them too. She gets this lil sparkle or "twinkle" in her eye in their presence.

We are starting to settle in pretty much okay. Mom gets frustrated with me someday's because she says for every 1 thing she gets accomplished I undo 3. I struggle with temptation. Temptation to unplug the TV, push the TV onto the floor, toss my food, play in the toilet and help mom unpack, run with the toilet paper and shred it into pieces, empty the garbage, and steel her Diet Coke and watch it dump out onto the floor or chair. I watch her, waiting for her to turn her back, and then like a little swiper I swiftly attack whatever I can, knowing I'm going to get in trouble. Sometimes mom slaps my hands to let me know I shouldn't be sucking on electrical cords or knocking over the TV, and my lip quivers and curls down, til mom has to turn away, so I can't see her cry. I go right for the heart.

Now that we are settling in somewhat life here doesn't seem to be much different than it was in Cache Valley. We don't go far from home nor go out often. Mom works and stays up through the night sometimes in deep thought, contemplating life and our purpose here. I spend the day getting into things and singing with my TV shows. About 8:00 in the evening we go outside and I march up and down the sidewalk saying bye, bye, bye to my shadow as we take a small walk. I like sitting on the patio at the little table to eat my lunch or dinner sometimes and there is an afternoon breeze usually daily, so we get out the bubbles and the bubble wand and play some.

I meet my new preschool teacher here on Monday and start riding the lil yellow bus again on August 31st to school. Mom says it feels like sending me for the first time all over again. She'll be thankful for a few hours of time to herself, and yet she has a horrible time separating from me. I, on the other hand, love being with other children and feeling grown up and riding the bus.

My latest interest/word/sign is "fish". I try to hiss it under my breath and attempt the sign by wave my arm, versus just the hand, to sign fish, but I know what one is. We have one in a bowl on mom's desk, which I would love to spill out onto the floor.

We haven't really met any new people, and as usual we are behind our closed doors and keep to ourselves. Like I said, not too much different than our life before this move. Other than, we miss my sisters and nieces very very much. I miss Kinley lots.

Mom still feels pretty confident we are supposed to be here, but it boggles her mind and deep thoughts late at night wondering what our real purpose is here, and then she fills her mind with doubts. I think this is a big test of faith for mom. She really hates the unknown and not having life all planned out in a notebook or something. She says this "winging" it day to day, year after year, is for the birds!!! literally.

So, here we are for at least the next 12 months, testing out the area and trying to do good wherever we are, hoping to bring happiness and service to those who may need what little we have to offer. Like mom says we have so very little material wise, but we have hearts bigger than Texas.... Mine may look like Swiss cheese, but well.. mom says it's more "holy" than anyone's. ha..ha..ha.. get it.. holey and "holy". Spit and shine my halo.

Like Jeni told mom when we left home... no matter what happens.. the next 12 months will be an "adventure"... mom's a little worried about what kind of adventure this is going to be... she doesn't care for rapid waters or high winds of drama, nor being lonely. She prefers the still waters, peace, harmony and feeling love and having purpose, but then don't we all.

Let the fun begin...or the "adventure". come what may.

Our new home for a Season...

Mom and I moved to our new home yesterday. Grandpa and Uncle Randy, bless their hearts for supporting mom, though they may doubt mommy's decision and what she truly believes in her heart and that is we are meant to be here for awhile, but she is unsure of the reason anymore. Thank you to our loving family for helping us out like they do. They are the best. They took the day off work to drive us down here and move us into our new place called home. Grandpa drove his truck and pulled a trailer, and Randy drove his service van full, and mom drove our van with stuff packed all around us. They even hooked up the washer, put the beds and mom's trashy desk together to make things easier on us.

Mom's really worried she worked Grandpa too hard this week and about his health, and contributing to his problems. She hates being inconveniencing anyone and stresses a lot when she does, or thinks she does.

I'm adjusting well to our new place. I even slept in my own bed in my own room last night, our first night here. My only words anymore are hi and bye bye bye.. I love to go bye. Mom and I took a walk on the sidewalk around the block and back home again. Last night mom had a hard time, sobbing, and doubting her decision, but she also hadn't had any sleep in 2 nights and has worked hard trying to pack and move things, work and keep me from unpacking as she packed, and well nights are usually harder on mom than the days.

We really miss Grandma. I look at her picture of me and grandma on mom's cell phone and wave at her. Mom misses her more than she thought she ever would. No one can love you like your mom.

We already miss Jeana, Jeni and their girls. Mom cries because she left them and our piano, but she felt in her heart she needed to make these sacrifices to go where God wants her to go. Mom questions God sometimes..well maybe not God so much as herself. She worries so much about doing what she should and the right thing, but she tends to just get hurt over and over for following those feelings of the heart.
Mom puts on a tough act, but she has a very sensitive heart, which tends to know a lot of hurt lately.

I know wherever we go and whatever we do that me and Mommy will always have each other. I'm her reason for getting out bed in the morning and her reason to smile and laugh, and believe that life is worth living. I'm truly a breath of heaven to her and my family.

May God bless my mommies aching heart and troubled mind. She really does deserve to be happy and to feel loved. It's so hard for her. She struggles with it all every day.. the doubts and fears. I'm trying to help her the best I can.

Me and Mommies Road trip.

I went on a road trip with my Mommy this weekend. New places usually set me back a little and when the sun goes down I'm really anxious and antsy, wanting to get back to my own turf. Mom was a little worried I wouldn't do so well away from home, with my schedule interrupted. I surprised my mommy a bit this weekend, but feeling right at home in our environment, inquisitive and exploring things right away, innocently and not so innocently. I loved the dogs (the dogs dish), the water bed and one other thing a lot.. that mom is having a brain fart over at the moment.

I'm a good traveler. I didn't mind the long drive to our destination and I slept on our return trip.

One night we went to a BBQ with family of the people we went to visit. Immediately I went exploring for things to get into and I went for mom's drink and spilled it all over the patio by doing one of my famous table cloth tricks, which I attempted several that evening. I then proceeded to sit in the spilled drink and lie down and tried to suck it up off the ground. My mom spent much of the evening trying to keep up with me and saying "Sadie! noooooooooooooooo" She says that a lot. Other adults tried to keep their eye on me, a little worried, I think, what I was up to. Though I was blessed to be a ray of sunshine, I'm not sure I shone so bright that night or was very impressive to the company we kept. Mom says she isn't sure either, but that it's okay. It doesn't matter how others perceive me, only that I'm special to her and to God, and I'm learning mortal life at my own pace and with lots of vigor as of late.


One night we went fishing. They were worried I'd be a handful around the water and mom even considered not even going to this outing!! But, we went. The rocky terrain and slope to the water held me back and I did try to restrain myself when mom kept trying to explain to me what fish were and only fish swam in this water. I got curious about the fish and I've even made up my own word for fish.. it's kind of a hissing sound under my breath. I remember something about fish and fishing from preschool lessons a week or so ago. Mom took one picture the whole trip. (she was really scared to attempt taking many pictures, which is strange because she loves her silly camera and capturing special moments with it)..She tried to get some pictures of me at the fishing hole, but I was too busy trying to get to the water. She uploaded the only picture she took there and I immediately recognized it as the "fishing" place and when I see that picture I try to show my excitement for that day by flapping all four extremities and saying my "fish" word repeatedly.

We got home from or trip last night and I struggled with sleeping in my own bed by myself, which I normally would prefer. I finally went to bed good, but woke up crying (and I rarely cry) at 2:00 and ended up falling asleep in my mom's bed and stayed there the night cuddled up to her, which isn't my norm either. I usually want my space, but I learned cuddling over the weekend and I think I like it.

I was happy to see the little yellow bus this morning and enjoyed preschool, and was happy to go down for a nap in my crib. Life seems to be going back into a routine again, but I'm still very curious about what that trip was all about, but then again maybe I know more than mom and these folks think I do. I wish they'd take note sometimes at what I'm trying to get across.

I think my mom doubts things more than maybe she should. Life is meant to be lived and loved. I keep trying to get that across to people here. Life is short and not meant to be wasted on daily trivial matters that in the long run have nothing to do with our purpose for being here.

Happy Birthday Kinley

Today I my Niece, Kinley's Birthday. I became a niece when I was 6 weeks old! I now have 5 nieces and 1 nephew, and 2 more on the way. Kinley and I have been like twins since birth. When my sister, Jeni, brought Kinley home from the hospital she weighed more than I did (as I was born premature at 4 lbs) and she layed Kinley down and mom layed me down fairly close to her and we both inched our ways so that we were touching each other.

Kinley is very protective of me. When we are in a play group or around other people we don't know she takes my hand and firmly tells everyone.. "My Sadie".

July 2009