Sunshine Sadie Mae

Friday, September 18, 2009

My New Nephew Baby Benjamin

Baby Benjamin was born September 14, the day after my Grandpa's birthday, to my sister Joni, her husband Steven and niece Brooklyn. I now have 5 nieces and 2 nephews. Mom is so relieved he's here. Steven is in the Army, but still in training and Joni has been alone in Alabama. We have missed them sooo much since they moved. Mom will feel better now that he's here and Steven is home for a 10 day leave and will be out of training soon. Mom felt bad we aren't in Alabama to help with Brooklyn and the baby. We considered going to Alabama to live for awhile this summer until Joni got settled and Steven could be home with her, but mom felt very strongly we needed to move here, and now she's wishing she'd gone to Alabama. We are more alone now than ever. We still don't know why we are here. Why would God send us here to bring us more pain and loneliness? A test of faith? Mom says it's time for a break. I think we should take a Disney cruise... but mom is thinking, ya me too, only we took out a loan on the only thing we own and that's our junker Barney mobile, to have the money to move here. Now we have a loan to make payments on, are away from family, left our piano behind, and on and on, only to discover we really don't belong here either.

So, I guess we make the best of things while we are here until we can figure plan B, which is to figure out where we want to spend the rest of our days, buy us a little cottage somewhere with a fenced in yard for me to play safely in, maybe get me a trained guard dog, plant flowers, run through sprinklers and play dolls the rest of our days here on earth. Mom says she's done looking for someone to share our life with and be part of our lil immediate family. She says anymore the risks aren't worth it and she won't expose me to boyfriends and men who could harm me, and when mom's crying or sad I'm sad too. I'm very very sensitive to feelings and even when mom tries to hide it I can sense her sadness and pain, and it makes me hurt, and she doesn't want me in that kind of environment. We just lost the last man she'd ever trust her heart with again and who would be kind to me. Mom says maybe we'll move close to Kinley and we can go to school together. I really miss Kinley, and my other nieces. We took a lot of risks in coming in. We came here on inspiration and in faith, and yet even though mom's hurting really bad inside, missing grandma and losing this relationship here, she still feels some peace that she can't explain through her tears. She still refuses to believe it was a mistake in coming here, which she really cannot explain.

Mom thinks maybe we'll go visit Kinley sooner than late October now, but we'll see. Gas is expensive, so going home to visit isn't as easy as we'd hoped it would be. The weekend of the 1st is UEA weekend and I won't have school and we can have extra time visiting.

Besides... October 1 is an Anniversary for mom that won't be celebrated this year or ever. She met her love October 1, here, 5 years ago, and she doesn't want to be here, alone, and sad.

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