Another Day in... the .. Wind

Monday...Monday... can't trust that day...

Sadie got on her new bus good. It comes an hour earlier and yet we live closer to the school. It comes for her at 7:30!!! holy cow... that means even earlier bed time.

We are settling into our home pretty good, but not without stressors. The home had a washer and dryer in it, but I don't like them and brought my own. I pulled out the washer okay and got it outside, but the dryer is a gas one and I have no clue about unhooking a dryer from a gas line. I called dad..and he told me what needed to be done, but worried about me doing it, so the dryer still sits. The fridge and dishwasher are coming tomorrow. They will install the fridge, but not the dishwasher, so there's another handyman job for Miss Priss girly girl, Julie. I bought a shovel, rake, pansies and a bleeding heart today, however, they cannot be planted because it is currently snowing and blowing out. I also have 2 roses bushes sent to me as a house warming gift by a dear friend that I need to plant, and I need to be out in the dirt to relieve some stress.

However, this is Sadie's blog and I need to save my whining and such for my own personal blog. However, my stress has affected her. I'm so worried she's going to grow up thinking her name is Sadie Damnit. Days go by without having a conversation with someone who can say more than hi..hello... bye bye.. see ya... Easter Sunday was rough.. Sadie had a kids meal with fries for Easter dinner and I had a baked potato and broke into tears in the midst of eating it, missing my mom's sweet n sour ham...and the memories of Easter's past with my mom.. the center of everything. The true meaning of Easter hit home hard and though I truly believe in the resurrection, there is this doubt... where is mom really? will I see her again? is she okay? I miss her so bad it hurts everywhere. I used to do my best work at night, but now by the time evening comes and after I've fed Sadie, cleaned up after Sadie, chased after Sadie.. said NO SADIE NO.. don't.. stop that.. get out of that... so many times I feel its my only vocabulary, and I've rocked her to sleep and put her down, listening for her breathing and make sure her cough isn't anything much than just phlegm and not more respiratory problems and over-worrying, and find myself weeping and wishing someone could rock me to sleep and brush back MY hair, kiss me and say ... Julie.. you are trouble, but I still love you and need you in my life....but I spend endless hours alone in front of this computer, trying to concentrate on work, and not let the lonely hours get to me. The worries of parenting are endless. The worries of parenting a child with disabilities and being a single parent carrying the all around load wears on a person, add many of lives changes, a death of loved one, searching and trying to find where we fit in... and the list goes on wears on me, and I long for someone to say.. Julie you aren't alone.. I'm herd for you... or just hold my hand.. hold me... embrace me with strong arms and feel truly loved would do wonders for my weariness. anyway... again.. This is Sadie's blog and I'll stop here. Though I love Sadie more than my own life...I need a break occassionally. I don't know how to find the balance.

Sadie's learning, in spite of her getting into so much with her exploring. She now plays with her dolls more, kissing them and tucking them in bed and role playing. Her new word is "whoa"... thank goodness it's not Sadie damnit...lol I need to stop that. I feel such guilt when I lose my patience and emotional control.

Spring is here and I'll be in my yard soon and we will have the house together, and I'll be more settled. I know I need to reset my mindset... and tell myself over and over I can do this alone, and quit trying to turn to a certain someone for things they cannot provide me with and that is love, reassurance, and a few sweet words. I need so little and yet it's too much to ask...

There's no place like home.

After three exhausting days of packing, loading the van, unloading the van, tripping over myself and over Sadie, trying to work in between moves, sore muscles, bruised body, emotional roller coasters, dropping my phone in the toilet to swearing at the Qwest rep on the phone we are finally all moved. Part of the load from last night is still in the van. I veggged and piddled around the house today, and watched the conference sessions today, and took it all in, yet being very emotional with the topics and the spirit of things. I'm truly blessed to have had the help of my realtor's son and his friend, who moved my bed, desk, washer and dryer for me. I have a very hard time asking for help, let alone accepting it, but there are just some things I can't do on my own. I moved the old washer outside by myself, but I didn't dare attempt unhooking the gas line on the dryer, so I'm stuck there.

For the most part I haven't really thought much of it being the Easter weekend. Jeni called with her busy stuff going on asking how to do layered Jell-O and such, and then realized it was the egg hunt at dad's today with family, and I caught myself crying a few times, realizing mom's gone and I'm away from family, and yet I'm the one who moved. We didn't even dye Easter eggs. Sadie doesn't realize it's a holiday and they did a little thing at preschool, but, but... well I feel bad.. but duh.. holiday's and weekends are just that way. I try. Moving helped divert my mind for the most part, and when Sadie gets older and enjoys the holiday's and such it will be easier being alone. Having the house and yard will keep me busy and I'll enjoy it. I'll have Kinley and Madilyn next weekend to visit us, which I'm really looking forward too.

However, after the stress of the last few days, moving and feeling like crap when I've lost my patience with Sadie in the way, etc., I've realized my life is so unbalanced. I cherish my time with Sadie, and yet we are glued at the hip. I really need some away time, adult interaction time....I do get some alone time when Sadie's in bed early, like tonight, and yes alone time is nice, but then it's a big reminder.. I'm alone... so was conference.. the talks were uplifting.. I enjoyed every one, but it's still a pointed finger at my single life, my lack of an immediate family life past Sadie and I. Yes, holiday's could be spent some with my children and grandchildren, but.. oh crap. it's not the same. ..and I'm just whining. My life is what it is. My choices got me here. I guess writing this just lets me let it out. I'm blessed. I am. I never dreamed I'd have my own home again. I feel like I've finally come home and my life is nearly complete. It's probably as complete as it's ever going to get.

Sadie has adapted with the move so well. She loves running through the house and backyard, and she didn't like going back to the duplex for loads. I'm where I'm supposed to be and I'm learning to accept life as it is and be happy, and yet...

March 2010

Saturday morning, March 20th, Sadie woke up in the early morning hours fevering and having some struggling with respirations again, so I took her into the emergency room, to discover she had 2 raging ear infections and upper respiratory infection, still or again, who knows. It seems she is struggling to overcome the illness from last month. They gave her another Rocephin shot, Albuterol and Atrovent breathing neb treatment, and sent her home on an oral antibiotic. She seemed to perk up quickly and the fever only returned Saturday night. She seemed well enough Sunday, so we attended church, which she always enjoys. She loves the people, the singing, and the nursery.

Knowing she has an appointment in Salt Lake at Primary Children's Hospital on Monday, March 29th I've worried we would have to postpone her yearly cardiology check up, ECG and chest x-ray again, but I called the hospital Monday and talked with them again today, Thursday, and took her into our local pediatrician to have her ears rechecked, etc., and make sure her lungs were clear, and now I need to make the call to either go ahead with her appointment Monday or postpone it again. I hate making the call, especially alone.

Today's appointment was traumatic for Sadie. You never really know she is sick until she is fevering and crying in excruciating pain. She gets a little whiney, but no more than an average healthy child does on a daily basis at her age. She was just cranky yesterday and today somewhat, so I made the call to take her in. Well, her ears are still infected and she's on her last dose of antibiotics from last week. Her left ear, which is the tiniest ear canal of both had wax build up and they couldn't really see clearly, sooo they attempted saline irrigation, which she fought and didn't tolerate well. Between me and the nurse trying to hold her down and flush the ear really just ended up soaking Sadie and I with the saline that was supposed to go in a basin I held while holding down Sadie. ha..ha.. right. Well the 2 attempts at irrigation didn't really clear out the ear enough. Sadie had gotten so upset over the ordeal she burst the blood corpustules in her face and now looks like she has broken out with some horrible on her face. The doctor then had to go in her ear with an instrument and attempt to remove the wax so he could look at the ear. It took all the strength I had to be strong and not break down in tears or walk out with her, knowing she has to have these things done for her health.

In the process her ear got traumatized and has bled some since the procedure. We came home with numbing ear drops for pain, another antibiotic prescription and a prescription for the yeast infection that has broken out in her diaper area from all the antibiotic use. Yet, the little trooper only cried some in the car, grabbing her head, complaining some, but in the store and the pharmacy she put on her sunshine smile and greeted everyone with her hell-whoa's and hi hi hi's. Her face looking like she was breaking out in chickenpox. I feel guilty for getting after her for whining. Hell I had an earache a month ago and I was the biggest baby ever. It hurt like crap! and here this lil girl goes around with one for a month and has whined minimally, less than an average 2 year old, and cried rarely. It's so hard to tell when she is sick, until the fevers break out, of course, and the pain is more than she can bare.

I'm anxious to get her cardiology checkup over, and yet I'm so frightened and panicked. I keep telling myself it will be fine and everything will be working well and her pulmonary problems are still stable, but I can't help but fear more loss. After losing mom, going through the cancer ordeal, and struggling with losses and disappointments in my personal life I can't help but fear and have panic attacks over losing Sadie. She's only mine for this lifetime.. I know that. I know my time with her is short... even if she does live to adulthood.. in the life after this she is God's. I'm her earthly mother, caretaker, and nurturer and I feel I short-change her.

She's an example to me. She has no time for her physical pain, disabilities, set backs, and delays. She pushes forward every day, on the run, exploring and learning, and thrilling in the smallest of things in life. She thoroughly enjoys God's gifts to us all.. music, the outdoors, the flowers, the wind in her face. I'm so ashamed sometimes for letting the depression and struggles of daily living get to me.

I've had loss, pain and disappointment, and I'm scared. Things are looking up for us somewhat. Getting our home is a big thing and big plus in our lives. I finally feel I'm where I belong as far as location and progressing in that area, which has taken me years to get here, and yet I don't dare hope things are on the rise and brighter side for us. I'm so used to turning a corner and being wammed with more heartache and troubles.

I've discovered in the last week that I'm even more withdrawn that I thought. My self-worth and self-esteem have dropped even lower than I had anticipated. I have no confidence, not even in areas I was very confident in years ago. I feel so inadequate in so many aspects of my life. I'm afraid to get out there and be fully involved in church again. It's hard to explain.

It looks like I may be closing on my house any day now. The landlord has a very possible renter for my place and I maybe having to move in a hurry next week. I can move most things alone, but Monday's trip to Salt Lake and back, and then working 6 hours, leaves me little time to move. Sadie's health needs to be a priority, but I also need to get moved and things taken care of at both places. I need to just focus on each day.. Sadie's health is #1, work, and getting moved, and I can only take it day by day. I don't know what tomorrow brings. I hate the unknown.

It's ironic... for someone who has always hated moving, change, new things, new places, and being more of an introvert than anything.. I've sure put myself in situations over the last 6 years that are very very very much out of my comfort zone and increase my anxieties tremendously.

I miss having a councilor. The state provided me one when Sadie was in the up to 3 program to help cope with a disabled child, single parenthood, and losing my mom, etc., and now I'm on my own. I lean less on a couple people I really leaned on emotionally and have learned to not count on them... and yet I long for their constant support, but I know I will never have it.. and learning to let go is a struggle.

Home Sweet Home

Sadie and I are truly blessed! We got our home!! We are truly blessed! I can't believe this house came on the market and my bid was accepted over the other bid made on it. My fingers are itching to start digging in the dirt and planting everything I can squeeze into this adorable yard and set up house in our new home! If all goes as scheduled we will be moved in by the end of April. Happy Birthday to me!! One of my biggest dreams is coming true. I, Julie Ann, is almost a home owner, and I did it all by myself!!! It's such an indescribable feeling for me. Having a place to call home is such a comfort to me. I finally feel I've come home. This is where I need to be. It feels right. It feels good. God is blessing us. I can feel it.

I feel ashamed for having my doubts about moving here. I knew it was right, followed through, and then doubted and felt stupid for following what I felt were answers to my prayers. After much prayer, once, again I learned this is where I need to be and I need to repent and ask for forgiveness for doubting my answers. Once again, everything has fallen into place and I found my little home at the right price, the right place, etc., and I'm once again at peace.

Long week/sick Sadie Mae

Last week seemed very long and yet full of stress and some excitement as well. Sadie missed all week of school. We were in the doctor's office, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, but hey we avoided a hospital stay.. Whew. Monday she was diagnosed with ear infections, bronchitis (bacteremia) and a red throat with a fever and cough, and given a shot of Rocephin, and back in the office for a recheck on Tuesday. Tuesday the doctor could hear more crackles in the lung bases, but her oxygen saturations were good so she sent her home on oral antibiotics to top off the shot from Monday. Wednesday she had worsened, fever, lethargic, wheezing, and struggling to breathe, so we were back in the doctors office again with sats running at 83%. However, her white blood cell count had been trending downward, meaning the antibiotics were doing their thing as far as the infection goes. She was given a breathing treatment in the office which brought her sats up and was sent home with a nebulizer and breathing treatments. The first treatments I had to create a new wrestling hold to hold her and keep the mask on her face while she breathed in the meds...lol ... eventually she cooperated, realizing it was opening her airway and helping her.

I felt bad having to drag her to the store, pharmacy and to the medical supply store in the cold and snow, but I had no other choice, being a single parent, but we do what we have to do. It's such a struggle going to bed at night with worry and fear for my child's health, and no one to give me any reassurance or comfort. I wonder if one ever gets used to alone. Beth, and older from my ward back in Smithfield, says no..it's always hard, no matter how long you have been alone nor how young or old one is. But, I'm strong, so they say. I have to be, by force.

The realtor called with a home that had just come on the market, cheap, a foreclosure that was a lot like the one home I have been drooling over and wanted me to see it, and I finally did and fell absolutely in love with the place. It screamed Julie.. Julie Julie.... soooo... I made an offer on the house, and I've been on the edge of my seat, waiting anxiously for the bank to decide between my offer and another, making for a long weekend. I've driven to the neighborhood and by the house every day since, afraid to hope, and yet afraid to not hope. I really need this house. I really need a place to call home. I'm the type of person who needs roots and a place to call my own, to be at ease. I need this house. Sadie needs this house. I've been praying for it.

We made it to church today. Sadie's still a bit grumpy, still quite congested, and coughing, but has been without fever for a couple days, and we really needed to get out. Sadie so loves church and being around other people. The members in our ward really enjoy her and don't mind telling me so either. The people in the drug store smile big when they see us coming and know Sadie by name and character...lol She brings so much happiness to those around her. Her light just shines. Jeremy blessed her to be a ray of sunshine to all she comes in contact with, and that she is. She's my sunshine, my hope and my life.

Sadie was supposed to have her yearly cardiology appointment with Primary Children's tomorrow, but due to the respiratory illness she has to be better for 4 weeks before they will risk sedating her for the echocardiogram, so we have rescheduled that for March 29th, and will probably spend the weekend with Jessica and Clark, and enjoy sometime with them, Baylee and Braxton :) <3 <3

Spring has to be on it's way soon... my fingers are itching to play in the dirt and grow some flowers and veggies.

Pulling my head out

Since I've been pre-qualified for a home loan I've been on a roller-coaster of emotion of emotion, torn between where I want to live or "should" live. I feel bad in some ways in that we see less of my family by living here. This is something I've never taken lightly. I've contemplated moving here over the years. I thought it was for love, but I think maybe that person was just my key to getting here, that maybe we weren't meant to be at all. However, I've grown to really love this place. It feels like home. Though, some still question my logic and sanity over my decisions, but I'm comfortable here, and I feel it's the right decision for Sadie and I to settle here. Sadie is doing well in the school system here and her therapists are just awesome. People are kind to use. I really feel this is where we need to be. I feel free of some of my painful past. I really need this new start for Sadie and I. It doesn't mean I don't love my family or miss them terribly, but they have to live their own lives, and I need to live mine where we feel we are led.

I really think in buying my own home is also a breakthrough for me in that I can finally break away any hopes for this relationship that has had me in distress for years. I can take care of me and Sadie. I've always known that. I didn't want a man to provide for use physically and financially. I wouldn't let one. I'm very very stubborn that way, and when it comes to Sadie's care I'm even more stubborn about it. I've been accused of just wanting a man for his home, $$ and to be a father to Sadie.....well those accusers don't know Julie well at all! Hell will freeze over before I'll lean on a man for any of those things, and I refuse to live in another woman's home. I want a home that spells "Julie" all over it with my personality, my tastes, and not an EX's.

Yes, I believe I'm finally healing from a lot of things.

I have a sweet female realtor I relate to well and who is being very helpful. She is lining up homes for me to visit. I'm really not fond of a condo, until she mentioned a swimming pool, but even then I need more of a yard, privacy, etc., than a condo can provide. Twin homes seem to be a big thing here and affordable, so I'm looking into several of them. I found a couple dream homes. One is out of my price range and the other one is sooo Julie but it's in Panguich which I think is too far out there for Sadie's best interests and care.

I'm talented. I'm not brilliant, but I am smart enough to take care of us without being a burden or dependent on family. I will not become a user or dependent leach to my family. It's selfish and not right.

I found Sadie a castle princess bed and I can't wait to start in on decorating her room. Yes, she is spoiled and will be, but she will also be disciplined and learn to do as much for herself as she can. She will be more confident and content if she feels she can be like everyone else and pull her weight in some ways.

She is so appreciative of the little things. Music brings her much joy. She teaches me so much every day about the simple things in life, and I plan on doing more of it.

I can't wait to get us settled. I'm going to plant flowers in every corner I can squeeze them in, some vegetables, and climbing roses and ivy over the fences, put in some fountains or little ponds and have gold fishies. I'm going to surround a room with shelves for my dolls, and sew and quilt, and play dolls with Sadie, play my piano, teach Sadie to play, dance and sing with her, and take her to church and teach her about Jesus, color, draw, paint, make crafts, visit family, maybe tour canyon lands... I wanted to share this all with a good man, but I can't find one who wants to share it with me....sobeit.

I'm going to keep moving forward, be a good person, do what is right, get back to the Temple, and God will take care of us. I'm afraid at this point in my life he's the only man that will. I didn't need a man for $$ or their home, etc., I needed his companionship, emotional support, and love, but few men have that to offer me. God knows my heart. Yes, I need a man to get into the Celestial Kingdom, and if I live my life as such God won't deny me that privilage. Maybe not in this life. I'm done fretting over finding one. It's just killed my self-esteem and confidence when I'm turned away, rejected, left alone and un-thought of for months at a time. Obviously it makes for a very selfish man who can only show up when they need you.

I'm on my way to getting better, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually and nothing is going to stand in my way, and if that means shutting men out of my life then that's just how it will have to be. I will not be hurt again by any man. I'm worth a lot more than I get credit for.

Sadie is my world. She is my Angel and my best friend for life. All of my kids are. I adore my grandkids and I will spend time with them too.

Julie and Sadie are going to be okay. We may be slow, but we have good hearts and we know what is right. We are going to make it.

February already

The highlight as of late as attending Baylee's blessing Eagle Mountain. I'm so very blessed with wonderful responsible children who are successful in caring for themselves and their children. I must of done something right somewhere.

I loved spending the night at Jess and Clark's. I got to hold and love Baylee and play with Braxton and really enjoy them. The blessing was really nice, and it was good to see most of my kids and grandchildren again. I really do cherish and love my family more than they know. I'm truly blessed with good children, in-laws and gorgeous grandchildren. I'm so proud of Maeleigh at the piano with her daddy. They both have inherited something good from me. :) <3

Well.. wah lah. It is the middle of February and the new year is passing by once again. Valentines Day for me was just like all the others. It's a stupid holiday. There is no romance and true love. It's all one big joke.

Update in the relationship department, is that I did not move ahead with the relationship I was talking about in December's notes. I'm not moving ahead with any relationships anymore.

Dad got me thinking about buying a home again and he has looked at a few in Cache Valley for me and talked to his banker. I went ahead and filled out an application for a loan, expecting to be turned down, but wanted to know where I was at credit-wise and what I needed to do to obtain a loan. The loan officer called me yesterday afternoon and told me I pre-qualified for a loan and to start looking at houses, and he'd send me the loan papers to start working on. I was in total shock. I still am, and yet I was so excited I practically danced through the supermarket with Sadie. We are finally going to have our own home. I've ached and ached for a place to call home of my own for 6 years now. Tomorrow, February 18, will mark the 6th year of my divorce. I started searching for homes online and I found myself looking at homes here in Cedar, and made at list of many I wanted to look at, etc., and it felt so good and so right. I don't know why. I have no reason to stay here other than I like the small town, the good air quality, the warmer weather, the people, etc., but my kids live in Cache Valley and I miss them. I called my dad and he was excited about the loan, but not about my choice of where to live, so I told him I'd think more about it. He reminded me to pray. Well, ya I have earnestly prayed about this, just like I did about my move here. Obviously, I don't recognize my answers to prayers.

I need a home. Sadie needs a safe yard to play in, a sandbox, a swing set and stability in her schooling and all. I felt she was doing really well here, but what do I know. I'm a loser mom, and that's all she's got.

When I think of staying here I feel at peace and at home. When I contemplate moving back to Cache Valley I get confused, panicky, nervous, and very uneasy. Many have their own opinions and interpretations of why I feel the way I do. I thought my prayers were being answered with such peace. I've tried really hard to be open minded and weigh the benefits of living here versus Cache Valley and the benefits of living in Cache Valley. It's not an easy decision. I'm torn, and yet like I said.. I get peace when I pray about staying here. Does that make it right? I once thought so. I thought that's how prayers were answered... but apparently many think I'm delusional. Maybe I am.... but I guess I'm a big girl and can make my own decisions whether it be a mistake or not.