Sunshine Sadie Mae

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

February already

The highlight as of late as attending Baylee's blessing Eagle Mountain. I'm so very blessed with wonderful responsible children who are successful in caring for themselves and their children. I must of done something right somewhere.

I loved spending the night at Jess and Clark's. I got to hold and love Baylee and play with Braxton and really enjoy them. The blessing was really nice, and it was good to see most of my kids and grandchildren again. I really do cherish and love my family more than they know. I'm truly blessed with good children, in-laws and gorgeous grandchildren. I'm so proud of Maeleigh at the piano with her daddy. They both have inherited something good from me. :) <3

Well.. wah lah. It is the middle of February and the new year is passing by once again. Valentines Day for me was just like all the others. It's a stupid holiday. There is no romance and true love. It's all one big joke.

Update in the relationship department, is that I did not move ahead with the relationship I was talking about in December's notes. I'm not moving ahead with any relationships anymore.

Dad got me thinking about buying a home again and he has looked at a few in Cache Valley for me and talked to his banker. I went ahead and filled out an application for a loan, expecting to be turned down, but wanted to know where I was at credit-wise and what I needed to do to obtain a loan. The loan officer called me yesterday afternoon and told me I pre-qualified for a loan and to start looking at houses, and he'd send me the loan papers to start working on. I was in total shock. I still am, and yet I was so excited I practically danced through the supermarket with Sadie. We are finally going to have our own home. I've ached and ached for a place to call home of my own for 6 years now. Tomorrow, February 18, will mark the 6th year of my divorce. I started searching for homes online and I found myself looking at homes here in Cedar, and made at list of many I wanted to look at, etc., and it felt so good and so right. I don't know why. I have no reason to stay here other than I like the small town, the good air quality, the warmer weather, the people, etc., but my kids live in Cache Valley and I miss them. I called my dad and he was excited about the loan, but not about my choice of where to live, so I told him I'd think more about it. He reminded me to pray. Well, ya I have earnestly prayed about this, just like I did about my move here. Obviously, I don't recognize my answers to prayers.

I need a home. Sadie needs a safe yard to play in, a sandbox, a swing set and stability in her schooling and all. I felt she was doing really well here, but what do I know. I'm a loser mom, and that's all she's got.

When I think of staying here I feel at peace and at home. When I contemplate moving back to Cache Valley I get confused, panicky, nervous, and very uneasy. Many have their own opinions and interpretations of why I feel the way I do. I thought my prayers were being answered with such peace. I've tried really hard to be open minded and weigh the benefits of living here versus Cache Valley and the benefits of living in Cache Valley. It's not an easy decision. I'm torn, and yet like I said.. I get peace when I pray about staying here. Does that make it right? I once thought so. I thought that's how prayers were answered... but apparently many think I'm delusional. Maybe I am.... but I guess I'm a big girl and can make my own decisions whether it be a mistake or not.

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