Friday, January 28, 2011
We have had to do another pulse oximeter test on Sadie at night to see if she is keeping her oxygen sats up through the night with the CPAP. She is staying around 90-93%. We are awaiting word from the doctors to see if we need to add oxygen at night. However, we don't have a phone, which was disconnected last month. We are really struggling financially. No one can truly understand the fear I have every night as I put her down to bed if she'll wake up in the morning. I try not to think about it, but it's a mother's instinct to worry and get up and check on her a night. I lost my health insurance in December due to the premium doubling and I couldn't afford to pay it. Sadie still has coverage through Medicaid, but as for me I have no insurance now. I'm so stressed anymore about how I'm going to manage financially and looking in the years ahead and as I age and have health issues how I'm going to take care of us. I worry so much about what will happen to Sadie, both here temporarily, as well as eternally. Who was she really in the life before this?. What amazing thing did she do to earn her state? and who will she be in the eternities. Will she remember me as her earthly mother, even without the bonds of the sealing power? I'm so distressed over temporal matters, as well as spiritual. I'm struggling in both areas doing it all alone anymore, that I've bottomed out. January has always been my worst month ever, and yet I feel so alone at times.
Sadie's vocabulary is growing, slowly. Last week after attending the Temple a friend was leaving after dropping me off home and Sadie ran to the door after he left crying "Ba-pa.. Ba-pa" The next day, Sunday, I was watching some youtubes with pictures of Christ in them and Sadie flapped all four extremities with excitement, recognizing who he was in the photos, say "yee-yus.. yee-yus" It brought me to tears. She kept saying yee-yus and ba-pa all weekend. It breaks my heart that I can't give her the family unit other normal family has. Some say she doesn't know what a father is.. but I know she does. She knows more than one would think. I can see it.
I'm also really, really questioning my move here. I really love the area, the small-town feel, the people, my neighbors and church members, and I absolutely adore my little house, and I really truly felt inspired to move here, but why? The reason I thought I was meant to be here frankly is never going to work out and so I question all my inspiration and answers to prayers for so many years.
Yesterday was a big wake up call. I'd been sick, really sick, for 3 days in a row, waking up very dizzy, nauseated, throwing up bile, nearly passing out, fearful of getting Sadie on and off the school bus safely. During the day the few people I could call on had jobs.. and the one person I reached out to several times blew me off and actually got rude with me, which raised a big red flag. He might as well said he didn't care at all. Finally, yesterday after blacking out in the shower I drove myself to Instacare, where it was discovered my blood pressure was dangerously high to the point of a stroke risk and shouldn't have driven myself anywhere. I didn't even have a phone! I'm so pathetic anymore! Look what following my inspirations got me? More alone than EVER. I miss my children and grandchildren. I turned my world upside down for someone who doesn't even notice me or care when I'm sick or stressed. Well the doctors contributed my high blood pressure to stress. Well no kidding.. look at my life!!! What would happen to Sadie if something happened to me? I didn't even have anyone I could leave her with emergently yesterday. I really love my house and where I live, but frankly I'm starting to wonder just how wise it is to be away from family with all my needs. I hate asking others for help, and so when I reached for help and got ignored yesterday really cut me deep. I don't kid around about things. I really needed his help.. at least some emotional support, that I wasn't alone, but I was. I am.