Sunshine Sadie Mae

Saturday, April 3, 2010

There's no place like home.

After three exhausting days of packing, loading the van, unloading the van, tripping over myself and over Sadie, trying to work in between moves, sore muscles, bruised body, emotional roller coasters, dropping my phone in the toilet to swearing at the Qwest rep on the phone we are finally all moved. Part of the load from last night is still in the van. I veggged and piddled around the house today, and watched the conference sessions today, and took it all in, yet being very emotional with the topics and the spirit of things. I'm truly blessed to have had the help of my realtor's son and his friend, who moved my bed, desk, washer and dryer for me. I have a very hard time asking for help, let alone accepting it, but there are just some things I can't do on my own. I moved the old washer outside by myself, but I didn't dare attempt unhooking the gas line on the dryer, so I'm stuck there.

For the most part I haven't really thought much of it being the Easter weekend. Jeni called with her busy stuff going on asking how to do layered Jell-O and such, and then realized it was the egg hunt at dad's today with family, and I caught myself crying a few times, realizing mom's gone and I'm away from family, and yet I'm the one who moved. We didn't even dye Easter eggs. Sadie doesn't realize it's a holiday and they did a little thing at preschool, but, but... well I feel bad.. but duh.. holiday's and weekends are just that way. I try. Moving helped divert my mind for the most part, and when Sadie gets older and enjoys the holiday's and such it will be easier being alone. Having the house and yard will keep me busy and I'll enjoy it. I'll have Kinley and Madilyn next weekend to visit us, which I'm really looking forward too.

However, after the stress of the last few days, moving and feeling like crap when I've lost my patience with Sadie in the way, etc., I've realized my life is so unbalanced. I cherish my time with Sadie, and yet we are glued at the hip. I really need some away time, adult interaction time....I do get some alone time when Sadie's in bed early, like tonight, and yes alone time is nice, but then it's a big reminder.. I'm alone... so was conference.. the talks were uplifting.. I enjoyed every one, but it's still a pointed finger at my single life, my lack of an immediate family life past Sadie and I. Yes, holiday's could be spent some with my children and grandchildren, but.. oh crap. it's not the same. ..and I'm just whining. My life is what it is. My choices got me here. I guess writing this just lets me let it out. I'm blessed. I am. I never dreamed I'd have my own home again. I feel like I've finally come home and my life is nearly complete. It's probably as complete as it's ever going to get.

Sadie has adapted with the move so well. She loves running through the house and backyard, and she didn't like going back to the duplex for loads. I'm where I'm supposed to be and I'm learning to accept life as it is and be happy, and yet...

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