Sunshine Sadie Mae

Monday, April 5, 2010

Another Day in... the .. Wind

Monday...Monday... can't trust that day...

Sadie got on her new bus good. It comes an hour earlier and yet we live closer to the school. It comes for her at 7:30!!! holy cow... that means even earlier bed time.

We are settling into our home pretty good, but not without stressors. The home had a washer and dryer in it, but I don't like them and brought my own. I pulled out the washer okay and got it outside, but the dryer is a gas one and I have no clue about unhooking a dryer from a gas line. I called dad..and he told me what needed to be done, but worried about me doing it, so the dryer still sits. The fridge and dishwasher are coming tomorrow. They will install the fridge, but not the dishwasher, so there's another handyman job for Miss Priss girly girl, Julie. I bought a shovel, rake, pansies and a bleeding heart today, however, they cannot be planted because it is currently snowing and blowing out. I also have 2 roses bushes sent to me as a house warming gift by a dear friend that I need to plant, and I need to be out in the dirt to relieve some stress.

However, this is Sadie's blog and I need to save my whining and such for my own personal blog. However, my stress has affected her. I'm so worried she's going to grow up thinking her name is Sadie Damnit. Days go by without having a conversation with someone who can say more than hi..hello... bye bye.. see ya... Easter Sunday was rough.. Sadie had a kids meal with fries for Easter dinner and I had a baked potato and broke into tears in the midst of eating it, missing my mom's sweet n sour ham...and the memories of Easter's past with my mom.. the center of everything. The true meaning of Easter hit home hard and though I truly believe in the resurrection, there is this doubt... where is mom really? will I see her again? is she okay? I miss her so bad it hurts everywhere. I used to do my best work at night, but now by the time evening comes and after I've fed Sadie, cleaned up after Sadie, chased after Sadie.. said NO SADIE NO.. don't.. stop that.. get out of that... so many times I feel its my only vocabulary, and I've rocked her to sleep and put her down, listening for her breathing and make sure her cough isn't anything much than just phlegm and not more respiratory problems and over-worrying, and find myself weeping and wishing someone could rock me to sleep and brush back MY hair, kiss me and say ... Julie.. you are trouble, but I still love you and need you in my life....but I spend endless hours alone in front of this computer, trying to concentrate on work, and not let the lonely hours get to me. The worries of parenting are endless. The worries of parenting a child with disabilities and being a single parent carrying the all around load wears on a person, add many of lives changes, a death of loved one, searching and trying to find where we fit in... and the list goes on wears on me, and I long for someone to say.. Julie you aren't alone.. I'm herd for you... or just hold my hand.. hold me... embrace me with strong arms and feel truly loved would do wonders for my weariness. anyway... again.. This is Sadie's blog and I'll stop here. Though I love Sadie more than my own life...I need a break occassionally. I don't know how to find the balance.

Sadie's learning, in spite of her getting into so much with her exploring. She now plays with her dolls more, kissing them and tucking them in bed and role playing. Her new word is "whoa"... thank goodness it's not Sadie I need to stop that. I feel such guilt when I lose my patience and emotional control.

Spring is here and I'll be in my yard soon and we will have the house together, and I'll be more settled. I know I need to reset my mindset... and tell myself over and over I can do this alone, and quit trying to turn to a certain someone for things they cannot provide me with and that is love, reassurance, and a few sweet words. I need so little and yet it's too much to ask...

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