March 2010

Saturday morning, March 20th, Sadie woke up in the early morning hours fevering and having some struggling with respirations again, so I took her into the emergency room, to discover she had 2 raging ear infections and upper respiratory infection, still or again, who knows. It seems she is struggling to overcome the illness from last month. They gave her another Rocephin shot, Albuterol and Atrovent breathing neb treatment, and sent her home on an oral antibiotic. She seemed to perk up quickly and the fever only returned Saturday night. She seemed well enough Sunday, so we attended church, which she always enjoys. She loves the people, the singing, and the nursery.

Knowing she has an appointment in Salt Lake at Primary Children's Hospital on Monday, March 29th I've worried we would have to postpone her yearly cardiology check up, ECG and chest x-ray again, but I called the hospital Monday and talked with them again today, Thursday, and took her into our local pediatrician to have her ears rechecked, etc., and make sure her lungs were clear, and now I need to make the call to either go ahead with her appointment Monday or postpone it again. I hate making the call, especially alone.

Today's appointment was traumatic for Sadie. You never really know she is sick until she is fevering and crying in excruciating pain. She gets a little whiney, but no more than an average healthy child does on a daily basis at her age. She was just cranky yesterday and today somewhat, so I made the call to take her in. Well, her ears are still infected and she's on her last dose of antibiotics from last week. Her left ear, which is the tiniest ear canal of both had wax build up and they couldn't really see clearly, sooo they attempted saline irrigation, which she fought and didn't tolerate well. Between me and the nurse trying to hold her down and flush the ear really just ended up soaking Sadie and I with the saline that was supposed to go in a basin I held while holding down Sadie. ha..ha.. right. Well the 2 attempts at irrigation didn't really clear out the ear enough. Sadie had gotten so upset over the ordeal she burst the blood corpustules in her face and now looks like she has broken out with some horrible on her face. The doctor then had to go in her ear with an instrument and attempt to remove the wax so he could look at the ear. It took all the strength I had to be strong and not break down in tears or walk out with her, knowing she has to have these things done for her health.

In the process her ear got traumatized and has bled some since the procedure. We came home with numbing ear drops for pain, another antibiotic prescription and a prescription for the yeast infection that has broken out in her diaper area from all the antibiotic use. Yet, the little trooper only cried some in the car, grabbing her head, complaining some, but in the store and the pharmacy she put on her sunshine smile and greeted everyone with her hell-whoa's and hi hi hi's. Her face looking like she was breaking out in chickenpox. I feel guilty for getting after her for whining. Hell I had an earache a month ago and I was the biggest baby ever. It hurt like crap! and here this lil girl goes around with one for a month and has whined minimally, less than an average 2 year old, and cried rarely. It's so hard to tell when she is sick, until the fevers break out, of course, and the pain is more than she can bare.

I'm anxious to get her cardiology checkup over, and yet I'm so frightened and panicked. I keep telling myself it will be fine and everything will be working well and her pulmonary problems are still stable, but I can't help but fear more loss. After losing mom, going through the cancer ordeal, and struggling with losses and disappointments in my personal life I can't help but fear and have panic attacks over losing Sadie. She's only mine for this lifetime.. I know that. I know my time with her is short... even if she does live to adulthood.. in the life after this she is God's. I'm her earthly mother, caretaker, and nurturer and I feel I short-change her.

She's an example to me. She has no time for her physical pain, disabilities, set backs, and delays. She pushes forward every day, on the run, exploring and learning, and thrilling in the smallest of things in life. She thoroughly enjoys God's gifts to us all.. music, the outdoors, the flowers, the wind in her face. I'm so ashamed sometimes for letting the depression and struggles of daily living get to me.

I've had loss, pain and disappointment, and I'm scared. Things are looking up for us somewhat. Getting our home is a big thing and big plus in our lives. I finally feel I'm where I belong as far as location and progressing in that area, which has taken me years to get here, and yet I don't dare hope things are on the rise and brighter side for us. I'm so used to turning a corner and being wammed with more heartache and troubles.

I've discovered in the last week that I'm even more withdrawn that I thought. My self-worth and self-esteem have dropped even lower than I had anticipated. I have no confidence, not even in areas I was very confident in years ago. I feel so inadequate in so many aspects of my life. I'm afraid to get out there and be fully involved in church again. It's hard to explain.

It looks like I may be closing on my house any day now. The landlord has a very possible renter for my place and I maybe having to move in a hurry next week. I can move most things alone, but Monday's trip to Salt Lake and back, and then working 6 hours, leaves me little time to move. Sadie's health needs to be a priority, but I also need to get moved and things taken care of at both places. I need to just focus on each day.. Sadie's health is #1, work, and getting moved, and I can only take it day by day. I don't know what tomorrow brings. I hate the unknown.

It's ironic... for someone who has always hated moving, change, new things, new places, and being more of an introvert than anything.. I've sure put myself in situations over the last 6 years that are very very very much out of my comfort zone and increase my anxieties tremendously.

I miss having a councilor. The state provided me one when Sadie was in the up to 3 program to help cope with a disabled child, single parenthood, and losing my mom, etc., and now I'm on my own. I lean less on a couple people I really leaned on emotionally and have learned to not count on them... and yet I long for their constant support, but I know I will never have it.. and learning to let go is a struggle.

Home Sweet Home

Sadie and I are truly blessed! We got our home!! We are truly blessed! I can't believe this house came on the market and my bid was accepted over the other bid made on it. My fingers are itching to start digging in the dirt and planting everything I can squeeze into this adorable yard and set up house in our new home! If all goes as scheduled we will be moved in by the end of April. Happy Birthday to me!! One of my biggest dreams is coming true. I, Julie Ann, is almost a home owner, and I did it all by myself!!! It's such an indescribable feeling for me. Having a place to call home is such a comfort to me. I finally feel I've come home. This is where I need to be. It feels right. It feels good. God is blessing us. I can feel it.

I feel ashamed for having my doubts about moving here. I knew it was right, followed through, and then doubted and felt stupid for following what I felt were answers to my prayers. After much prayer, once, again I learned this is where I need to be and I need to repent and ask for forgiveness for doubting my answers. Once again, everything has fallen into place and I found my little home at the right price, the right place, etc., and I'm once again at peace.

Long week/sick Sadie Mae

Last week seemed very long and yet full of stress and some excitement as well. Sadie missed all week of school. We were in the doctor's office, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, but hey we avoided a hospital stay.. Whew. Monday she was diagnosed with ear infections, bronchitis (bacteremia) and a red throat with a fever and cough, and given a shot of Rocephin, and back in the office for a recheck on Tuesday. Tuesday the doctor could hear more crackles in the lung bases, but her oxygen saturations were good so she sent her home on oral antibiotics to top off the shot from Monday. Wednesday she had worsened, fever, lethargic, wheezing, and struggling to breathe, so we were back in the doctors office again with sats running at 83%. However, her white blood cell count had been trending downward, meaning the antibiotics were doing their thing as far as the infection goes. She was given a breathing treatment in the office which brought her sats up and was sent home with a nebulizer and breathing treatments. The first treatments I had to create a new wrestling hold to hold her and keep the mask on her face while she breathed in the meds...lol ... eventually she cooperated, realizing it was opening her airway and helping her.

I felt bad having to drag her to the store, pharmacy and to the medical supply store in the cold and snow, but I had no other choice, being a single parent, but we do what we have to do. It's such a struggle going to bed at night with worry and fear for my child's health, and no one to give me any reassurance or comfort. I wonder if one ever gets used to alone. Beth, and older from my ward back in Smithfield, says no..it's always hard, no matter how long you have been alone nor how young or old one is. But, I'm strong, so they say. I have to be, by force.

The realtor called with a home that had just come on the market, cheap, a foreclosure that was a lot like the one home I have been drooling over and wanted me to see it, and I finally did and fell absolutely in love with the place. It screamed Julie.. Julie Julie.... soooo... I made an offer on the house, and I've been on the edge of my seat, waiting anxiously for the bank to decide between my offer and another, making for a long weekend. I've driven to the neighborhood and by the house every day since, afraid to hope, and yet afraid to not hope. I really need this house. I really need a place to call home. I'm the type of person who needs roots and a place to call my own, to be at ease. I need this house. Sadie needs this house. I've been praying for it.

We made it to church today. Sadie's still a bit grumpy, still quite congested, and coughing, but has been without fever for a couple days, and we really needed to get out. Sadie so loves church and being around other people. The members in our ward really enjoy her and don't mind telling me so either. The people in the drug store smile big when they see us coming and know Sadie by name and character...lol She brings so much happiness to those around her. Her light just shines. Jeremy blessed her to be a ray of sunshine to all she comes in contact with, and that she is. She's my sunshine, my hope and my life.

Sadie was supposed to have her yearly cardiology appointment with Primary Children's tomorrow, but due to the respiratory illness she has to be better for 4 weeks before they will risk sedating her for the echocardiogram, so we have rescheduled that for March 29th, and will probably spend the weekend with Jessica and Clark, and enjoy sometime with them, Baylee and Braxton :) <3 <3

Spring has to be on it's way soon... my fingers are itching to play in the dirt and grow some flowers and veggies.

Pulling my head out

Since I've been pre-qualified for a home loan I've been on a roller-coaster of emotion of emotion, torn between where I want to live or "should" live. I feel bad in some ways in that we see less of my family by living here. This is something I've never taken lightly. I've contemplated moving here over the years. I thought it was for love, but I think maybe that person was just my key to getting here, that maybe we weren't meant to be at all. However, I've grown to really love this place. It feels like home. Though, some still question my logic and sanity over my decisions, but I'm comfortable here, and I feel it's the right decision for Sadie and I to settle here. Sadie is doing well in the school system here and her therapists are just awesome. People are kind to use. I really feel this is where we need to be. I feel free of some of my painful past. I really need this new start for Sadie and I. It doesn't mean I don't love my family or miss them terribly, but they have to live their own lives, and I need to live mine where we feel we are led.

I really think in buying my own home is also a breakthrough for me in that I can finally break away any hopes for this relationship that has had me in distress for years. I can take care of me and Sadie. I've always known that. I didn't want a man to provide for use physically and financially. I wouldn't let one. I'm very very stubborn that way, and when it comes to Sadie's care I'm even more stubborn about it. I've been accused of just wanting a man for his home, $$ and to be a father to Sadie.....well those accusers don't know Julie well at all! Hell will freeze over before I'll lean on a man for any of those things, and I refuse to live in another woman's home. I want a home that spells "Julie" all over it with my personality, my tastes, and not an EX's.

Yes, I believe I'm finally healing from a lot of things.

I have a sweet female realtor I relate to well and who is being very helpful. She is lining up homes for me to visit. I'm really not fond of a condo, until she mentioned a swimming pool, but even then I need more of a yard, privacy, etc., than a condo can provide. Twin homes seem to be a big thing here and affordable, so I'm looking into several of them. I found a couple dream homes. One is out of my price range and the other one is sooo Julie but it's in Panguich which I think is too far out there for Sadie's best interests and care.

I'm talented. I'm not brilliant, but I am smart enough to take care of us without being a burden or dependent on family. I will not become a user or dependent leach to my family. It's selfish and not right.

I found Sadie a castle princess bed and I can't wait to start in on decorating her room. Yes, she is spoiled and will be, but she will also be disciplined and learn to do as much for herself as she can. She will be more confident and content if she feels she can be like everyone else and pull her weight in some ways.

She is so appreciative of the little things. Music brings her much joy. She teaches me so much every day about the simple things in life, and I plan on doing more of it.

I can't wait to get us settled. I'm going to plant flowers in every corner I can squeeze them in, some vegetables, and climbing roses and ivy over the fences, put in some fountains or little ponds and have gold fishies. I'm going to surround a room with shelves for my dolls, and sew and quilt, and play dolls with Sadie, play my piano, teach Sadie to play, dance and sing with her, and take her to church and teach her about Jesus, color, draw, paint, make crafts, visit family, maybe tour canyon lands... I wanted to share this all with a good man, but I can't find one who wants to share it with me....sobeit.

I'm going to keep moving forward, be a good person, do what is right, get back to the Temple, and God will take care of us. I'm afraid at this point in my life he's the only man that will. I didn't need a man for $$ or their home, etc., I needed his companionship, emotional support, and love, but few men have that to offer me. God knows my heart. Yes, I need a man to get into the Celestial Kingdom, and if I live my life as such God won't deny me that privilage. Maybe not in this life. I'm done fretting over finding one. It's just killed my self-esteem and confidence when I'm turned away, rejected, left alone and un-thought of for months at a time. Obviously it makes for a very selfish man who can only show up when they need you.

I'm on my way to getting better, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually and nothing is going to stand in my way, and if that means shutting men out of my life then that's just how it will have to be. I will not be hurt again by any man. I'm worth a lot more than I get credit for.

Sadie is my world. She is my Angel and my best friend for life. All of my kids are. I adore my grandkids and I will spend time with them too.

Julie and Sadie are going to be okay. We may be slow, but we have good hearts and we know what is right. We are going to make it.

February already

The highlight as of late as attending Baylee's blessing Eagle Mountain. I'm so very blessed with wonderful responsible children who are successful in caring for themselves and their children. I must of done something right somewhere.

I loved spending the night at Jess and Clark's. I got to hold and love Baylee and play with Braxton and really enjoy them. The blessing was really nice, and it was good to see most of my kids and grandchildren again. I really do cherish and love my family more than they know. I'm truly blessed with good children, in-laws and gorgeous grandchildren. I'm so proud of Maeleigh at the piano with her daddy. They both have inherited something good from me. :) <3

Well.. wah lah. It is the middle of February and the new year is passing by once again. Valentines Day for me was just like all the others. It's a stupid holiday. There is no romance and true love. It's all one big joke.

Update in the relationship department, is that I did not move ahead with the relationship I was talking about in December's notes. I'm not moving ahead with any relationships anymore.

Dad got me thinking about buying a home again and he has looked at a few in Cache Valley for me and talked to his banker. I went ahead and filled out an application for a loan, expecting to be turned down, but wanted to know where I was at credit-wise and what I needed to do to obtain a loan. The loan officer called me yesterday afternoon and told me I pre-qualified for a loan and to start looking at houses, and he'd send me the loan papers to start working on. I was in total shock. I still am, and yet I was so excited I practically danced through the supermarket with Sadie. We are finally going to have our own home. I've ached and ached for a place to call home of my own for 6 years now. Tomorrow, February 18, will mark the 6th year of my divorce. I started searching for homes online and I found myself looking at homes here in Cedar, and made at list of many I wanted to look at, etc., and it felt so good and so right. I don't know why. I have no reason to stay here other than I like the small town, the good air quality, the warmer weather, the people, etc., but my kids live in Cache Valley and I miss them. I called my dad and he was excited about the loan, but not about my choice of where to live, so I told him I'd think more about it. He reminded me to pray. Well, ya I have earnestly prayed about this, just like I did about my move here. Obviously, I don't recognize my answers to prayers.

I need a home. Sadie needs a safe yard to play in, a sandbox, a swing set and stability in her schooling and all. I felt she was doing really well here, but what do I know. I'm a loser mom, and that's all she's got.

When I think of staying here I feel at peace and at home. When I contemplate moving back to Cache Valley I get confused, panicky, nervous, and very uneasy. Many have their own opinions and interpretations of why I feel the way I do. I thought my prayers were being answered with such peace. I've tried really hard to be open minded and weigh the benefits of living here versus Cache Valley and the benefits of living in Cache Valley. It's not an easy decision. I'm torn, and yet like I said.. I get peace when I pray about staying here. Does that make it right? I once thought so. I thought that's how prayers were answered... but apparently many think I'm delusional. Maybe I am.... but I guess I'm a big girl and can make my own decisions whether it be a mistake or not.

Christmas 2009

Christmas morning we woke up on our usual schedule, with Sadie not even realizing what it was all about still. She wouldn't open her few gifts, and when I opened them for her the cheapo toy shopping cart kept falling over and frustrating her versus being able to push George around it as I had anticipated she'd enjoy. Her bathtub George's arm fell off and I couldn't get it back on. I broke into a flood of tears, typical for holidays, stuffed the rest of our stuff in or bags and hit the road. Santa had previously arranged to meet us in Provo at Maverik, after which Juanita and Gordon invited us to spend the afternoon with them and their family/friends. Sadie wasn't sure about Santa, but she seemed to enjoy her day. I had good company.

We then picked up Joni and Steven at the airport at 8:00 Christmas night. Sadie understood all too well we were picking up Joni and she was way excited. We finally got to meet baby Ben and were very very happy to see Joni, Steven and Brookln as well. I miss my family so much. We seem to be spreading out more and more, which is life and how it should be. Everyone needs to find their place in life and yet still have bonds and longing for home. We stopped at Jeremy's in Hyrum and visited and then dropped Joni and family off at Jeni's in Logan, and Sadie and I went onto my dad's.

The day after Christmas I had all my children together at the chinese restrauant and finally met Baylee Ann, who is absolutely beautiful. I have beautiful children who are reproducing very beautiful grandchildren. I'm truly blessed. Sadie was so happy to see everyone. We then went to the gym to play, where I had planned on getting my family picture, which didn't happn. Kurt and Harlyn went home for a nap, and then later Jessica's family headed out, and who knows when or if I'll have them all together again. I'm disappointed. My pictures are important to me, but don't seem to be to anyone else. I'm proud of my kids and grandkids. They are all I have. I'm not the greatest mom or anything else for that matter, but I do have awesome family. I'm more blessed than I deserve.

I took 307 pictures and couldn't wait to get home to post them on my personal pc and brag about them on facebook. The kids got a few of me on the trampoline...lol embarrassing. However, I'm finding I don't recognize myself in pictures like that anymore. I feel I'm losing myself again, outwardly and inwardly.

We drove home on the 30th. The first 4 hours were easy driving with only a few snowy spots, but the last 100 miles were pure hell. I got in a blizzard and slick roads, with cars off the side and stuck left and right. I cried ad prayed my way home and haven't really been able to pull myself together since. I think it was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. Yes, dad called and a few of my kids to make sure we were okay, but coming home to an empty home, no one to take me in their arms and hold me, reassure me all is well, etc., hurts. I enjoyed my time at home, and both Sadie and I were happy to be back home, yet there is still such an emptyness about our lives. Sadie knew where we were before we exited the highway. She really likes it here. The air back home was hard for me to breathe and I never could really get warm, and I'm sure it was much worse on Sadie, so I guess living here for that reason only is good.

New Years Eve Sadie went to bed early and I spent the evening alone. Took down the Christmas decorations and cleaned yesterday. Got sick last night and I'm still curled up in bed today, wishing I could rest, but Sadie is grumpy too, can't tell me what she wants, what's got her crying (which she never does unless she is in pain, or what she needs, and I've had it today with being the strong one, with having no moments of relief to rest or just have someone to worry with me, or cry with me or laugh with me.

I honestly don't know what to think, feel, trust or have faith in anymore. I hung onto a lot of faith over the years through much discouragement and many trials, and I just can't trust that faith anymore. I don't have it in me anymore.

I gave dating one month, had a few dates, some nice and one pretty lame. I don't want to spend my days on earth alone anymore, but I don't like the dating and the games played either. I'm not worthy enough of a "good" LDS man, and I'm seriously considering a serious relationship with a non-LDS member. I've found over the last several years out of the men I've known I've been treated like someone special and worthy of their time and attention by non-member males of the church than members.

I really don't understand. I clearly can see the the eternal aspect of things, Sadie's worth and the honor it is to be her earthly mother, and members of the church supposedly realize who she is and what her purpose is, and yet there isn't a male member out there who would stand up and be proud to be her earthly father and accept the blessings earned with the honor of having her and me a part of their life.

So, there isn't any male member out there that I can find that I'm compatible with who would be accepting of us, or who would even give us a chance at getting to know us or find out for themselves who and what we are, and what our worth is, and who isn't ashamed to be seen with us and love us, and I don't want to spend my earthly time here lonely and alone anymore. I want to share our life with someone and feel a part of an immediate family and be loved, happy, and enjoy life, someone to make plans with, build a home around, to snuggle up to at night, jump in the puddles in the road, dance in the rain and kiss me in the moonlight. I deserve it.

I still have a strong desire to be a good person and strive to better myself, but I'm not going to hold out the remainder of my last 20+ years for a male member of the church who can look past their pride and snobbery to see the real picture and take the time to get close to someone who could have been their best eternal companion ever. I have a lot of love to offer a good man. I'm honest, faithful, trustworthy, spiritual, very giving and loving, and I have the strength and will to do what it takes to make a healthy relationship work. I'm not finding anyone who truly wants that in a woman.

So, bottom line is.. I've pretty much decided to move ahead with a relationship with a non-member friend, who to me is just as good or better than the male members I've dated or attempted a relationship with. This person makes me feel special, worthy of someones time and attention, and why shouldn't I accept it that? A Temple recoomend is no true proof of being a truly honest good person, especially when it is flaunted. The signs of a good kind heart are all I need, and I think I may have found that. Some say I'm playing with fire and maybe I am again, but I've risked a lot to win the love of a supposedly good-hearted "worthy" man, who has rejected me and treated me like they have never ever known me. What makes him better than this man who says he'll never leave me, who can see their is something special about me and wants to explore that specialness and find out who I really am and love me for who I am?

Being a member of the church doesn't automatically make one a good person. Yes, the gospel is true, and there are a lot of very good mmembers of the church, but there are also a lot of prideful, snobs, who cannot truely live their religion.

I'm hurting. I'm hurting horribly and the only man I've found who has any compassion towards me and what I'm going through is not a member of the church. Shame on my supposedly "good" male member friends.

Bless this man, who cares, who has shown his concern for me and who wants to see me happy.

Life isn't meant to be lived in constant pain. I'm going to change that about my life this year... even if it means forgetting a few strong things and people I have ahd a lot of faith in, who I've already cut off parts of my life. It hurts.. I hurt more now than I have in a very very long time, and big changes are coming. Some who know me may not like them, but I refuse to live in loneliness anymore. I refuse to be a misfit and misplaced. There is a place for me out there somewhere and it may not be what others call ideal.... and up to church standards... but I can't take anymore. I just can't take anymore hurt inflicted by supposedly good men.

Where are you Christmas..

Sadie got her school pictures back and we are really happy with the way they caught her personality.

It is a tough time of year for me right now with losing my mom in the spring, making this move to Cedar City and making myself out as a complete fool over someone who never really wanted me to be a part of his life anyway. I really felt strongly this was the right thing to do and that he was my one. I followed what I thought was spiritual guidance, only to be turned away like I'm diseased. I feel more displaced and lost than ever. At least I guess now I can get him out of my system and move on.

On the flip side of things... Sadie is so amazed with her surroundings this year. She is discovering so many things for the first time. When it snowed last week she wanted to sit in it and play and was mad at me because I wouldn't let her because she doesn't have snow boots, etc. She absolutely loves the Christmas lights and to my surprise does not touch the Christmas tree. She gives me a reason to get up every day and carry on. She makes me smile and laugh through my tears. Her hugs and kisses are the best. To me it doesn't even feel like Christmas.

I'm at a total loss of what to do with my life at this point. I don't even dare ask God. I'm not sure I have the ability to truly interpret his guidance anymore. I want to do what is right more than anything.

I've gotten back on an LDS dating site. I really hate the search and the weeding through men to find the right one. I wasted the last 5 years on someone who only wanted his wife back from day 1 anyway, and I was just his backup girl when she wasn't available. I don't know that I can trust anyone with my heart again, but I guess I'll try. Weeee-haw....

However, I am thankful Sadie is doing so well. She has hardly been sick this last year and is growing and learning. I'll see all my kids the day after Christmas and I can't wait. I have 2 grand babies I haven't met yet. I'm picking up Joni and Steven at the airport Christmas night and going home to Cache Valley then for a few days. I miss my kids and grand kids horribly.

The school called last week and they are moving Sadie out to Three Peaks Preschool in Enoch because the one she is enrolled in now has too many kids, so they are taking pretty much Sadie's bus out to Enoch. They are going to send her aid with her so the change won't be too bad. We meet with her new teacher tomorrow and the transfer will take place the first of the year. I really don't want to drive out that way tomorrow. The thought being even remotely close to his place makes my heart leap and my eyes weep. Part of me is thinking if she has to trade schools anyway why not just go home, but most of me just says it doesn't matter where I'm at.

Onward ...we go.