Saturday, January 2, 2010
Christmas morning we woke up on our usual schedule, with Sadie not even realizing what it was all about still. She wouldn't open her few gifts, and when I opened them for her the cheapo toy shopping cart kept falling over and frustrating her versus being able to push George around it as I had anticipated she'd enjoy. Her bathtub George's arm fell off and I couldn't get it back on. I broke into a flood of tears, typical for holidays, stuffed the rest of our stuff in or bags and hit the road. Santa had previously arranged to meet us in Provo at Maverik, after which Juanita and Gordon invited us to spend the afternoon with them and their family/friends. Sadie wasn't sure about Santa, but she seemed to enjoy her day. I had good company.
We then picked up Joni and Steven at the airport at 8:00 Christmas night. Sadie understood all too well we were picking up Joni and she was way excited. We finally got to meet baby Ben and were very very happy to see Joni, Steven and Brookln as well. I miss my family so much. We seem to be spreading out more and more, which is life and how it should be. Everyone needs to find their place in life and yet still have bonds and longing for home. We stopped at Jeremy's in Hyrum and visited and then dropped Joni and family off at Jeni's in Logan, and Sadie and I went onto my dad's.
The day after Christmas I had all my children together at the chinese restrauant and finally met Baylee Ann, who is absolutely beautiful. I have beautiful children who are reproducing very beautiful grandchildren. I'm truly blessed. Sadie was so happy to see everyone. We then went to the gym to play, where I had planned on getting my family picture, which didn't happn. Kurt and Harlyn went home for a nap, and then later Jessica's family headed out, and who knows when or if I'll have them all together again. I'm disappointed. My pictures are important to me, but don't seem to be to anyone else. I'm proud of my kids and grandkids. They are all I have. I'm not the greatest mom or anything else for that matter, but I do have awesome family. I'm more blessed than I deserve.
I took 307 pictures and couldn't wait to get home to post them on my personal pc and brag about them on facebook. The kids got a few of me on the trampoline...lol embarrassing. However, I'm finding I don't recognize myself in pictures like that anymore. I feel I'm losing myself again, outwardly and inwardly.
We drove home on the 30th. The first 4 hours were easy driving with only a few snowy spots, but the last 100 miles were pure hell. I got in a blizzard and slick roads, with cars off the side and stuck left and right. I cried ad prayed my way home and haven't really been able to pull myself together since. I think it was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. Yes, dad called and a few of my kids to make sure we were okay, but coming home to an empty home, no one to take me in their arms and hold me, reassure me all is well, etc., hurts. I enjoyed my time at home, and both Sadie and I were happy to be back home, yet there is still such an emptyness about our lives. Sadie knew where we were before we exited the highway. She really likes it here. The air back home was hard for me to breathe and I never could really get warm, and I'm sure it was much worse on Sadie, so I guess living here for that reason only is good.
New Years Eve Sadie went to bed early and I spent the evening alone. Took down the Christmas decorations and cleaned yesterday. Got sick last night and I'm still curled up in bed today, wishing I could rest, but Sadie is grumpy too, can't tell me what she wants, what's got her crying (which she never does unless she is in pain, or what she needs, and I've had it today with being the strong one, with having no moments of relief to rest or just have someone to worry with me, or cry with me or laugh with me.
I honestly don't know what to think, feel, trust or have faith in anymore. I hung onto a lot of faith over the years through much discouragement and many trials, and I just can't trust that faith anymore. I don't have it in me anymore.
I gave dating one month, had a few dates, some nice and one pretty lame. I don't want to spend my days on earth alone anymore, but I don't like the dating and the games played either. I'm not worthy enough of a "good" LDS man, and I'm seriously considering a serious relationship with a non-LDS member. I've found over the last several years out of the men I've known I've been treated like someone special and worthy of their time and attention by non-member males of the church than members.
I really don't understand. I clearly can see the the eternal aspect of things, Sadie's worth and the honor it is to be her earthly mother, and members of the church supposedly realize who she is and what her purpose is, and yet there isn't a male member out there who would stand up and be proud to be her earthly father and accept the blessings earned with the honor of having her and me a part of their life.
So, there isn't any male member out there that I can find that I'm compatible with who would be accepting of us, or who would even give us a chance at getting to know us or find out for themselves who and what we are, and what our worth is, and who isn't ashamed to be seen with us and love us, and I don't want to spend my earthly time here lonely and alone anymore. I want to share our life with someone and feel a part of an immediate family and be loved, happy, and enjoy life, someone to make plans with, build a home around, to snuggle up to at night, jump in the puddles in the road, dance in the rain and kiss me in the moonlight. I deserve it.
I still have a strong desire to be a good person and strive to better myself, but I'm not going to hold out the remainder of my last 20+ years for a male member of the church who can look past their pride and snobbery to see the real picture and take the time to get close to someone who could have been their best eternal companion ever. I have a lot of love to offer a good man. I'm honest, faithful, trustworthy, spiritual, very giving and loving, and I have the strength and will to do what it takes to make a healthy relationship work. I'm not finding anyone who truly wants that in a woman.
So, bottom line is.. I've pretty much decided to move ahead with a relationship with a non-member friend, who to me is just as good or better than the male members I've dated or attempted a relationship with. This person makes me feel special, worthy of someones time and attention, and why shouldn't I accept it that? A Temple recoomend is no true proof of being a truly honest good person, especially when it is flaunted. The signs of a good kind heart are all I need, and I think I may have found that. Some say I'm playing with fire and maybe I am again, but I've risked a lot to win the love of a supposedly good-hearted "worthy" man, who has rejected me and treated me like they have never ever known me. What makes him better than this man who says he'll never leave me, who can see their is something special about me and wants to explore that specialness and find out who I really am and love me for who I am?
Being a member of the church doesn't automatically make one a good person. Yes, the gospel is true, and there are a lot of very good mmembers of the church, but there are also a lot of prideful, snobs, who cannot truely live their religion.
I'm hurting. I'm hurting horribly and the only man I've found who has any compassion towards me and what I'm going through is not a member of the church. Shame on my supposedly "good" male member friends.
Bless this man, who cares, who has shown his concern for me and who wants to see me happy.
Life isn't meant to be lived in constant pain. I'm going to change that about my life this year... even if it means forgetting a few strong things and people I have ahd a lot of faith in, who I've already cut off parts of my life. It hurts.. I hurt more now than I have in a very very long time, and big changes are coming. Some who know me may not like them, but I refuse to live in loneliness anymore. I refuse to be a misfit and misplaced. There is a place for me out there somewhere and it may not be what others call ideal.... and up to church standards... but I can't take anymore. I just can't take anymore hurt inflicted by supposedly good men.