Sadie's weekend

After trying for months I finally did it and I can do it repeatedly now. I can fit mega blocks together!!! Mom was so excited... she cried. ha..ha.. and took a picture, of course. She's so proud of me!

Mom also got out my toy bucket and other buckets and let me play in the water outside. Summer's over and we finally got out in the sunshine. Mom and I usually are so brown by now from living at the swimming pool all summer. This year we went 2x. The year has just flown by us. I had so much fun! I also figured out water comes out of the hose and was really fascinated by it. Mom sure had a good time soaking up some sun and watching me play. I don't like to walk on grass or play on grass, so I kept trying to get to the bucket a different angle through the rocks, but that didn't work good, so I stayed on the pavement. I'm so OCD about some things.

Our neighbors invited us over for Michelle's Birthday (the little girl who lives 2 doors down). She turned 4 and got a swing set for her Birthday, so mom and I went over and I played on the slide. I wanted to swing, but I can't balance on regular swing seats, so I stuck with the slide and jumping on their tramp or tried to jump. I usually just sit and bounce, but this time I actually stood up and tried bouncing myself. I'm trying really hard at doing things.


I was really excited this morning to get on the bus. I came home and at first was excited to see mom, but I turned around and looked at the bus and cried, which is very very unusual for me. Mom hugged me and took me in to feed me lunch. I threw my food on the floor and screamed. I drank my milk, but was still very grumpy. Mom noticed they changed my shirt at school, which isn't a surprise. I've been drinking out of my sippy cups really good for a very long time, yet in the last couple weeks or more a lot of times I get too much in my mouth and let it run down my shirt and onto my pants in large quantities, soaking everything. Mom's really puzzled why I'm doing this. Mom tried putting me in my crib for a nap and I threw my blankets, George and my binky out and cried and screamed, again very unusual for me. Mom then rocked me and sang Baby Mine to me til I fell asleep.

Hopefully I wake up happier this afternoon.

But mom has a feeling we need to work on communication and behavioral issues more. I'm so frustrated, and mom is too. She wants to help me, but doesn't know what I want or need. I learn things, do them well awhile, and then don't do them again.

I'll learn.

School does a girl good

Mom looked in on me yesterday while I was playing in my room and this is what she found much to her surprise. I generally eat and rip up books, yet I was sitting my Elmo chair turning "paper" pages in the book Monsters, Inc., and carefully "reading" studying the pictures. Mom was soo excited she got the camera. Turning pages means I'm learning fine motor skills. I'm starting to take note more and more of my surroundings and how things work. I now say Hi, Hi, along with my yay yay and bye bye, and I grab mom's arm when I want something or hang on the kitchen counter. I'm starting to indicate I want something and learning what communication is all about. I've been struggling for weeks on how to put Mega blocks together, but I'm determined. Mom sits with me and shows me and helps me and sometimes I can do it, but lots of times I just get frustrated and throw them. With lots of patience and persistence I'll learn, just at my own pace.

My New Nephew Baby Benjamin

Baby Benjamin was born September 14, the day after my Grandpa's birthday, to my sister Joni, her husband Steven and niece Brooklyn. I now have 5 nieces and 2 nephews. Mom is so relieved he's here. Steven is in the Army, but still in training and Joni has been alone in Alabama. We have missed them sooo much since they moved. Mom will feel better now that he's here and Steven is home for a 10 day leave and will be out of training soon. Mom felt bad we aren't in Alabama to help with Brooklyn and the baby. We considered going to Alabama to live for awhile this summer until Joni got settled and Steven could be home with her, but mom felt very strongly we needed to move here, and now she's wishing she'd gone to Alabama. We are more alone now than ever. We still don't know why we are here. Why would God send us here to bring us more pain and loneliness? A test of faith? Mom says it's time for a break. I think we should take a Disney cruise... but mom is thinking, ya me too, only we took out a loan on the only thing we own and that's our junker Barney mobile, to have the money to move here. Now we have a loan to make payments on, are away from family, left our piano behind, and on and on, only to discover we really don't belong here either.

So, I guess we make the best of things while we are here until we can figure plan B, which is to figure out where we want to spend the rest of our days, buy us a little cottage somewhere with a fenced in yard for me to play safely in, maybe get me a trained guard dog, plant flowers, run through sprinklers and play dolls the rest of our days here on earth. Mom says she's done looking for someone to share our life with and be part of our lil immediate family. She says anymore the risks aren't worth it and she won't expose me to boyfriends and men who could harm me, and when mom's crying or sad I'm sad too. I'm very very sensitive to feelings and even when mom tries to hide it I can sense her sadness and pain, and it makes me hurt, and she doesn't want me in that kind of environment. We just lost the last man she'd ever trust her heart with again and who would be kind to me. Mom says maybe we'll move close to Kinley and we can go to school together. I really miss Kinley, and my other nieces. We took a lot of risks in coming in. We came here on inspiration and in faith, and yet even though mom's hurting really bad inside, missing grandma and losing this relationship here, she still feels some peace that she can't explain through her tears. She still refuses to believe it was a mistake in coming here, which she really cannot explain.

Mom thinks maybe we'll go visit Kinley sooner than late October now, but we'll see. Gas is expensive, so going home to visit isn't as easy as we'd hoped it would be. The weekend of the 1st is UEA weekend and I won't have school and we can have extra time visiting.

Besides... October 1 is an Anniversary for mom that won't be celebrated this year or ever. She met her love October 1, here, 5 years ago, and she doesn't want to be here, alone, and sad.

More about School

I get so excited for the bus in the morning that I don't eat much. I just want my shoes and backpack and out the door. I pause in the driveway when I see the bus coming and flap my arms and squeal. Th love riding the bus. I come home just as excited to see my mom and she is very happy to see me. She says she really misses me when I'm gone, but happy I'm learning so much.

We are learning about colors and shapes at school and I brought the mouse hunt game home and signs to learn for my colors. Mom wasn't too excited. She was hoping we wouldn't have keep learning sign language, but guess what... we are! Mom doesn't think she can learn to easily, but for me... she will. A friend directed us to a link that actually video demonstrations of actual people making the signs, which mom thinks is a lot easier to learn than trying to learn it off a paper.. So let the fun begin.

I'm understanding the word "No" more and more. Order and discipline in school is a good thing. Sometimes people forget I'm not actually mentally 3 years old, but more closer to 2, and expect me to act more mature.

Mom got Direct TV yesterday so now I have a lot of TV I can watch, but I was so tired last night and got overstimulated by watching a show about whales in the water that mom had to turn it off and get me ready for bed. I love water.

I like to have the bath water running when I'm bathing and I can turn the water on myself, so mom lets me run it and when the hot water is gone, my bath is done, and I pitch a fit about having to get out. I'd stay in there until I turned blue. Mom says we need to find a pool around here so we can go swimming and get me some lessons.

We haven't been to church here yet. Mom chicken's out every week. One week I was sick and last week mom was too emotional. So, obviously we still don't know anyone here, and things fell apart with the few people we do know here, and yet mom still feels we are supposed to be here. It's strange.

We miss our family a lot and mom told Kinley that maybe in October we'll go visit on a weekend for the pumpkin walk and take our walk and do pictures at First Dam like we do every year. Kinley's having a hard time with us being gone. She thought she was going to see us when she went to another Grandma's party the other night and she cried and pitched and fit and wouldn't give the other Grandma her picture she colored because she said it was for "her marmma" (which is what she calls mom). Mom cried when Jeni told her how hard it was to get Kinley calmed down. Mom said moving here has been much harder than she thought it would be, especially given the fact that she was possibly mistaken for the reason why we are here and sad about that.

Another thing we have learned here is that I can't leave my sand bucket out or my balls out because the wind blows here all the time and blows things away. We had the mountains surrounding us back in Cache Valley and rarely felt any wind. There are also a lot of rocks!! I love to sit in them and play with them, scooping them up, etc., and I also like putting them in the mouth, which mom says NO to and "pft".

Zoo Day Pictures

My school year begins August 2009

Last week I started preschool here in Cedar City for the first time. I love riding the bus and my new aid. I can't wait for the bus to come in the morning.

My new word is yay..yay... yay... and I clap with it sometimes. So my 2 words as of now that I use consistently are yay and bye bye. Mom thinks she heard me say "ok" a few times. Today while I was getting off the bus I tried to say backpack. I learn so much at school. I really like the other children.

Mom has the front room together and the boxes out of it, but our bedrooms still need some work. Mom set up the sewing machine in her room and sewed some burp rags for Baby Benjamin (my new nephew coming any day now).

Last week we had company, Cassie and Braedan. We picked them up in Salt Lake last Saturday at the airport and took them back to Salt Lake this Saturday. Last Saturday we met my sister Jeni, Thomas, and my Kinley and Madilyn at the zoo and had a really good time. I've really missed Kinley. That's the hardest part for me and mom, being away from my siblings and my nieces and nephew. Mom's real stubborn though. She is still holding her ground and her belief that we belong here. I won't argue. I seem quite comfortable in my new surroundings. I love playing in the rocks with my shovel, prancing around on the porch and marching up and down the sidewalk. We are doing okay. Things aren't much different here than they were before our move, other than we don't see family at all versus occasionally. Mom says it may take us awhile, but we'll know where we fit in and belong eventually. Until then we have each other and that's good enough for me.

The zoo was fun. It's really the first time I noticed the animals and when I was allowed out of the stroller I ran... ran... exploring everything. I loved the bears. I even tried to say bear.. bear, but I did clap and say yay..yay.. Mom's favorite part was the carousel. Mom loves carousel's. Mom cried on the way home some. Kinley thought she was going home to grandma's house with us, but she doesn't understand grandma lives far away now and we can't just go to McDonald's every week. Mom says, though, that doing what you feel is right sometimes requires sacrifices and takes a lot of faith and perseverance to go through with things, even when it seems everyone seems to disagree with her decisions.

I've grown some. I can now reach the kitchen cabinets... yay..yay..yay.. more things I can get into and toss around. Mom put the trash can in the laundry room. She's really wondering what she's going to do when I learn to open doors.

I really enjoyed having Braedan around to play with and sometimes annoy when he was trying to play video games and such, but we loved playing ball and such. I love my mom and all, but she gets busy working and doesn't have a lot of time to sit down and play with me. She wishes she did. But, then, kids can be a lot more fun than mom's sometimes. I love to watch videos and I stick my nose right up to the screen and interact with the movies I'm watching. Cassie spoiled me while she was here and bought me a new video about Strawberry Shortcake and springtime, and a new outfit for school. She was so happy to see me. I like to make people smile and feel warm inside, and see their faces glow in my presence. We get stopped often in public by strangers who just want to say hello to me and tell mom what a special gift I am.

That I am, a special gift. Mom thanks Heavenly Father daily for me and the blessing I am in her life. She doesn't feel worthy of me and often feels like she's not giving me all that I deserve, but she thanks God every day for me, for giving her purpose and a reason to smile.