Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Visit home and Cardiology check up, November 6-8th
We left Saturday morning for our drive, the long way, home to visit family. Sadie travels so well. She loves riding in the van. She thinks, however, every time we stop a fast food restaurant she is getting fries.. and starts saying "hot.. hot" because that's what I tell her after we get the food to wait because they fries are "hot.. hot" so the word for fries is now .. "hot.. hot". The communication is coming, but very slowly, but we have time. We sang in the van on our drive as usual to the Disney Country CD and Shrek sound track and everything else that we could get on and off the radio.
We stopped in Eagle Mountain to visit Jessica, Clark, Braxton and Baylee. Braxton and Sadie lifted their shirts and compared scars and played. Baylee has turned a year old and her hair is still red and thicker. She is a real cutie, wanting to arch her back and hang upside down and play. I got pictures of them, but I had them downloaded on my lap top which has crashed since we got home, but they are still on the camera thank goodness.
We then traveled the long way home on the old highway through Willard and Brigham City to Honeyville with a stop at the cemetery to have a cry and talk with my mom. I sure wished I thought to make her a pine bough with my branches off my tree and pine cones. She loved pine nuts. I remember gathering them when I was very little with her and the family.
We met Jeana, Harlyn, Jeni and her 3 girls and Thomas at the gym. I finally got my hands on baby Clara. What a doll! I have beautiful amazing grandchildren...and awesome children!! Sadie was right at home running through the gym, cheating and letting others bounce her on the trampolines. She is such an observer. She really wanted to jump and do flips like the older kids were. She was so excited just watching them she would flap her arms and legs and squeal watching them. Harlyn showed off and walked the balance beam, with her mom's help. Of course, Kinely showed off. She is the oldest grandchild and she thinks she runs the gym instead of her father. She is a born leader! Sadie was also fascinated with the zip line and wanted badly to try it. One of the employees would lift her and let her hold onto it the bar and run along with her. She really had a good time. Me and Jeni took the girls to Wal-Mart after leaving the gym and then I took them home. Sadie cried when the girls got out of the car and we backed out of the driveway alone.
Finally, it's evening, and knowing the Jazz were playing we'd stayed at the gym so grandpa could enjoy the game. We got to dad's house in time to watch the ending of the game. Triple over time. Sadie was so pumped watching the game with grandpa on the big screen and making a popcorn mess. She was sure happy to see her grandpa. She loved going into mom's room to wander about and rearrange things. She broke a glass bubble shade of an angel lamp of mom's. Luckily she didn't get hurt. Dad was so patient with her. I know it must be hard having us there taking over the house and Sadie into things, but she is getting better, a lot better.
Sunday, we decided not to go to church. We put a roast in the oven and Jeni and Thomas, Jeana and the girls came by for dinner and visited, and the girls played with Sadie. Randy and Sandy called and came by to visit with us. We had a really good visit. Randy brought up Joni and Steven getting sealed in Dallas this weekend in the Temple and tried to get dad to drive me out there. Ha.. right.. Sandy kept telling me what deals I could find on flights. They really want me to be there. I really want to be there, but I know realistically I can't be there. I couldn't afford my visit with family this weekend. They turned off our TV service, because I can't pay them. I have made payment arrangements with my phone and power, and I don't know what will be shut off next, but I'm plugging along, trying to get back on track. I even canceled my doctor's appointment for today. I just can't afford it.
I drove Dad, Sadie and I out to Providence to Kathy's Sunday evening to be with Timmy when he received the Aaronic
Monday morning I woke up so dizzy with any sort of movement that I started vomiting.. and all I could vomit was bile. I violently throw up inside out. Dad had a doctor appointment, so he was gone. It took me 3 hours to get us dressed and things packed, etc., so we could leave by 11:00. I burst the corpuscles in my face, so I looked like I had measles from vomiting so hard. Randy came out to the van as I was about to head out in the snow storm to get us to Salt Lake to PCMC and then home from there. He told me I looked like shit.. well I felt like shit...lol and offered to drive us to Salt Lake. I promised I'd be fine. I 'd drive slow and not turn my head or vomit in the car, that I'd been lots worse off before, and that I could handle it alone. He met me at Maverik and filled my gas tank (bless him.. I was going to have to get bank charges to get us home), bought me a Diet Coke and Snicker's bar. I have good family. Randy and Sandy are always so thoughtful.
The drive to Salt Lake wasn't bad at all. The snow was wet and the roads just wet. Sadie's chest x-ray looked good and the cardiologist told me he had no complaints, that she is looking good. He did mention her significant weight gain since he saw her in April and asked if I'd had her thyroid checked. I told him she hasn't had it checked for about a year and he suggested I get it checked again and make sure she is on the right amount of Levothyroxine, as hypothyroidism can cause rapid weight gain, so we have that to do.
It was snowing in Salt Lake when we left about 2:30 and was sticking to the ground. The roads weren't bad until we got just past Fillmore and then the next couple hours was hell. I prayed. I cried. I held tight to the steering wheel trying to focus on a line in the road. I know I was weaving from one lane to the next. I can't see at night anyway... let alone in blowing snow. I could hear the road bumps as I neared the edges of the road and the yellow line. The other cars were probably cussing me. I tried to focus for quite some time on a semi in front of me, guessing how to follow and where the road was. I literally felt like I was driving blind. I cried and prayed for God to send some help to guide me and lead me home. I know I never would have made it without help from above. It was as bad as the last winter drive I had through there last New Years Eve. I'm so scared now to drive it again that I won't be going anywhere far til late spring, alone, ever again. I'm grounded to this spot on the map. Sadie does have an appointment in St. George this month. I pray I make it there and back okay. I have much anxiety about driving anywhere at this point. I must be getting old.
We got home around 7:30. I called dad and the kids and let them know I made it okay. The dizziness lightened up between Logan and Salt Lake, and by the time I got us something to eat at a drive through after the hospital I was feeling lots better. Thank heavens. No way I could have survived that drive throwing up bile and popping blood vessels in my face. I'm really embarrassed anymore about anyone even seeing me.
I unloaded the van, turned on the computer, and then started worrying about how I was going to entertain Sadie now that Direct TV is gone and both DVD players bombed out on us the day after the TV went. I signed up for a trial of Netflix online and hoped that Sadie could watch movies from the lap top. Something wasn't right and I started messing with things trying to get movies to play, and well.. I blew the computer. It crashed on me. I spent all afternoon yesterday clearing it with a friend online helping me through it and spent much of today reloading programs, etc, on it again today while trying to work and keep Sadie out of things. She dumped the gallon of filbert nuts I'd gathered from dad's and was just trying to help unpack and such.
I went through bills, checked bank accounts, juggled things and fingers crossed and knees bent that I finally got the mortgage payment covered for November. Money stinks! It's such an evil necessity. I do realize, however, after what I let stress, etc., do to me over the last couple months that I really need to just pull myself together, pull my head out and take care of us. Cowgirl up and deal with life. There is no way I can afford to get sick or be on medications. It broke me within a matter of weeks. How quickly things change in life.
I went from things looking good all around me, having a home, on top of bills, going to the Temple regularly to being so depressed and panic and anxiety attacks, til I was literally sick, not going to church, etc., and though it has been only a month tomorrow since I last was in the Temple it feels like years. My life is like a snow globe in a wind storm.. .turned upside down with a flick of the wrist.
So.. time to get strong. I charged me a big Christmas tree. I'm going to go to the food bank for some food and cook Thanksgiving dinner and carry on with life. Enjoy the holiday's with Sadie and with what family can travel this way or whatever, and be happy. I'm going to be freak'n happy if it kills me ..lol
I'm trying to just turn the rest over to God and leave his plan for me in his hands. I've done all I can and then some in doing my part and God will do his. I have to trust that and let things ride and just be what they are.
I have to for the sake of my health and well-being so I can take care of Sadie. Without her I shudder to think where I'd be.