Friday, November 5, 2010
Sadie's 2011 Pre-school picture. Dang she is cute!! I'm really surprised she cooperated with the photography. She avoids my camera. She really loves school.
My how time go by.
Sadie is back in school and loves the routine of things, her new aide. I can't believe how she has grown since her surgery. I just boxed up all her size 3Ts and soon 4s will be going too.
The downer side of things is that I've been falling apart ever since surgery was done and all. I guess I'm a delayed reactor or the stress of everything doesn't come out until things are a little better. I broke out with impetigo, lived with it for weeks before I found out what it was. First thing the doctor said was.. You have a lot of stress in your life, don't you? Apparently, that is what set off the impetigo, which is staph infection. over $200 prescriptions that same day, plus the $40 co-pay really helped the situation... NOT. That was just the dermatologist. I then finally, decided after living here a year, having Sadie's doctors, etc., established, that I needed to establish primary care here for me as well, so I made an appointment with an internist to establish care and get refills of my meds and back on anti-anxiety medication. I hated going back on them. I feel like such a failure at life, but I was at a scary point, and have really bottomed out as far as myself goes, mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically. okay so another $120 have racked up on co-pays and got refills, plus another addition to my meds, and then I broke out in hives (before starting the new medication). Dermatologist crossed it off as stress, again, and prescribed another medication. My glasses were so scratched up I established care for my eyes as well, and another $40 co-pay and $50 in contacts.
I'm upset and feel very selfish for having to put so much into myself lately. I worry so much about losing my home.
The ticker.. that finally was the last straw, I believe, for me was the break up with the boyfriend, AGAIN. Life is so shittty alone. It takes two to hold strong against lives winds and storms, but I stand alone with my Savior there spiritually for me, but I needed him. I know his life is stressful and that he can't love me like I love him, but just to poof and disappear on me again amongst everything else, is just wrong. I honestly will never attempt another relationship. It's better to stand alone than to have someone pretend they like you awhile, date you, take you to the Temple for weeks in a row.. then poof.. gone... without a trace that he gave a rats ass.
I am literally falling apart. We are now so far behind on bills that I had to beg the power company to take payments on our overdue amount. I don't have enough to pay Novembers mortgage payment and it's already the 5th. Here I am far away from family, missed my granddaughter, Clara's birth last month, and I feel like a shitty mom and grandma too. I feel like such a failure at everything.
Anyway enough of my woes. I've also become a whiner.. sheesh. It's gotta end.
Sadie broke her glasses and I'm trying to see if medicaid will pay on a pair especially made for kids with DS, with the lower ears, smaller bridge of her nose, etc. I rigged her glasses with pink duct tape and added a strap and she still tears them off, and won't wear them, and yet I believe her vision has gotten worse with her depth perception specifically. She is even more hesitant about what is a step and what is not, and won't step down them without more support than she has been.
On the upside.. she called me momma two times in a row last week; however, has not said it again, which is typical.
We haven't been able to get her bowels under control since surgery. She gets so backed up and then explodes into a real mess when finally we get it broke up and loose. Last night was one of those explosions.
I sound depressing, huh? Maybe, because at times it is. I've raised 5 children, grown and on their own now, but no experience with them can really compare with life with a child with disabilities. It's a tough job, and generally I do it well, but it wears on one, especially one OLD single lady, trying to do it all alone. I'm not complaining about Sadie. She's the best gift from God, and she does bring me much joy and sunshine.. in my cloudy world.
Communication and potty training (which we haven't even attempted, because she has no clue) are the hardest things for us right now. It frustrates us both to tears. She screams because after several attempts at really trying to show me what she wants or what is wrong.. she can't communicate it to me and I can't read her mind. She is improving, and has done so a LOT. When she wants something in the fridge she'll tap my arm and walk to the fridge, same with the door, etc. She randomly walks up to people and hugs them. Before it was just family and Mr. Dumped Julie. She acts so healthy that you'd never know she had open heart surgery a few months ago. Medicaid is finally paying for her diapers. She is on the biggest size in infants diapers and it's a squeeze getting them on her, but at least I don't have that expense now. Every little bit counts.
Now to count my blessings. I am living one of my dreams. I am a home owner. I never dreamed I'd have my own home and yard, and wah-lah.. God brought me to it. I know.. I know without a shadow of a doubt and that God lives that his is my home and I'm meant to be here. Though, I'm sure are lives here are meant to touch others with Sadie's sweet Spirit, I honestly believe the main reason we are here just walked out on us and told me to move on. He doesn't believe any of it and has used his free agency to walk away from us. I'm nothing grand, but I know I'll be blessed raising Sadie and having her in my life and so is everyone who knows her. She really bonded with him. First when she was still under a year old.. and then last year when we visited and again in February she wanted him so bad in the pharmacy and I blew him off because I couldn't to the rejection thing again... which I gave in and did... 2 more times.. and now I'm done.......Damn him.
Life goes on.
Last week I dug in the shed and got out all my holiday Barbies. Over 25 of them line the peak of my vaulted ceiling in a small landing/shelf like area. I'm gonna paint the house pink (ok not really literally pink) but I'm making my house a girlie girl house and gonna just play dolls with Sadie for the remainder of my days on earth... and to hell with men. I'm using my free agency to be a bitter old lady. so there. (big talker too).