Yearly Cardiology Checkup Results April 26, 2010

Sadie Mae had her yearly cardiology checkup on Monday with Primary Children's, which did not go well. They discovered a new abnormality that has never been seen before on previous exams or during her first open heart surgery. She has suddenly developed a subaortic membrane with a pressure of 60++, with high normal being 20. She needs open heart surgery again within the next 2-3 months. The big concern is that it showed up suddenly and large, and it may have damaged the ventricle. I had a feeling for a week beforehand we wouldn't have good news, so mommy is a wreck. We spent the weekend with my daughter Jessica, and Sadie's nephew and niece. Sadie and I made the long drive to honeyville to the cemetery and I cried all day Sunday with emotions of missing my mom. Sadie needs ear tubes surgically put in before heart surgery. Found out yesterday she has a hole in the left ear drum. She is resistant to most all antibiotics due to so many ear infections in the last few months, making heart surgery more risky (and what they would call dirty surgery) until tubes are in. I'm a wreck... behind on work, but I'll do what it takes for my Sadie Mae....

We had a good time with Baylee, Braxton and Jessica, and I have some fun pictures I'll post later. Sadie and Braxton ran nonstop... laughing. Baylee is a doll and I couldn't hold her enough. I have the best kids and grandkids a mother could want. I'm so thankful for the good relationships we have. I'm truly blessed.

Another Day in... the .. Wind

Monday...Monday... can't trust that day...

Sadie got on her new bus good. It comes an hour earlier and yet we live closer to the school. It comes for her at 7:30!!! holy cow... that means even earlier bed time.

We are settling into our home pretty good, but not without stressors. The home had a washer and dryer in it, but I don't like them and brought my own. I pulled out the washer okay and got it outside, but the dryer is a gas one and I have no clue about unhooking a dryer from a gas line. I called dad..and he told me what needed to be done, but worried about me doing it, so the dryer still sits. The fridge and dishwasher are coming tomorrow. They will install the fridge, but not the dishwasher, so there's another handyman job for Miss Priss girly girl, Julie. I bought a shovel, rake, pansies and a bleeding heart today, however, they cannot be planted because it is currently snowing and blowing out. I also have 2 roses bushes sent to me as a house warming gift by a dear friend that I need to plant, and I need to be out in the dirt to relieve some stress.

However, this is Sadie's blog and I need to save my whining and such for my own personal blog. However, my stress has affected her. I'm so worried she's going to grow up thinking her name is Sadie Damnit. Days go by without having a conversation with someone who can say more than hi..hello... bye bye.. see ya... Easter Sunday was rough.. Sadie had a kids meal with fries for Easter dinner and I had a baked potato and broke into tears in the midst of eating it, missing my mom's sweet n sour ham...and the memories of Easter's past with my mom.. the center of everything. The true meaning of Easter hit home hard and though I truly believe in the resurrection, there is this doubt... where is mom really? will I see her again? is she okay? I miss her so bad it hurts everywhere. I used to do my best work at night, but now by the time evening comes and after I've fed Sadie, cleaned up after Sadie, chased after Sadie.. said NO SADIE NO.. don't.. stop that.. get out of that... so many times I feel its my only vocabulary, and I've rocked her to sleep and put her down, listening for her breathing and make sure her cough isn't anything much than just phlegm and not more respiratory problems and over-worrying, and find myself weeping and wishing someone could rock me to sleep and brush back MY hair, kiss me and say ... Julie.. you are trouble, but I still love you and need you in my life....but I spend endless hours alone in front of this computer, trying to concentrate on work, and not let the lonely hours get to me. The worries of parenting are endless. The worries of parenting a child with disabilities and being a single parent carrying the all around load wears on a person, add many of lives changes, a death of loved one, searching and trying to find where we fit in... and the list goes on wears on me, and I long for someone to say.. Julie you aren't alone.. I'm herd for you... or just hold my hand.. hold me... embrace me with strong arms and feel truly loved would do wonders for my weariness. anyway... again.. This is Sadie's blog and I'll stop here. Though I love Sadie more than my own life...I need a break occassionally. I don't know how to find the balance.

Sadie's learning, in spite of her getting into so much with her exploring. She now plays with her dolls more, kissing them and tucking them in bed and role playing. Her new word is "whoa"... thank goodness it's not Sadie damnit...lol I need to stop that. I feel such guilt when I lose my patience and emotional control.

Spring is here and I'll be in my yard soon and we will have the house together, and I'll be more settled. I know I need to reset my mindset... and tell myself over and over I can do this alone, and quit trying to turn to a certain someone for things they cannot provide me with and that is love, reassurance, and a few sweet words. I need so little and yet it's too much to ask...

There's no place like home.

After three exhausting days of packing, loading the van, unloading the van, tripping over myself and over Sadie, trying to work in between moves, sore muscles, bruised body, emotional roller coasters, dropping my phone in the toilet to swearing at the Qwest rep on the phone we are finally all moved. Part of the load from last night is still in the van. I veggged and piddled around the house today, and watched the conference sessions today, and took it all in, yet being very emotional with the topics and the spirit of things. I'm truly blessed to have had the help of my realtor's son and his friend, who moved my bed, desk, washer and dryer for me. I have a very hard time asking for help, let alone accepting it, but there are just some things I can't do on my own. I moved the old washer outside by myself, but I didn't dare attempt unhooking the gas line on the dryer, so I'm stuck there.

For the most part I haven't really thought much of it being the Easter weekend. Jeni called with her busy stuff going on asking how to do layered Jell-O and such, and then realized it was the egg hunt at dad's today with family, and I caught myself crying a few times, realizing mom's gone and I'm away from family, and yet I'm the one who moved. We didn't even dye Easter eggs. Sadie doesn't realize it's a holiday and they did a little thing at preschool, but, but... well I feel bad.. but duh.. holiday's and weekends are just that way. I try. Moving helped divert my mind for the most part, and when Sadie gets older and enjoys the holiday's and such it will be easier being alone. Having the house and yard will keep me busy and I'll enjoy it. I'll have Kinley and Madilyn next weekend to visit us, which I'm really looking forward too.

However, after the stress of the last few days, moving and feeling like crap when I've lost my patience with Sadie in the way, etc., I've realized my life is so unbalanced. I cherish my time with Sadie, and yet we are glued at the hip. I really need some away time, adult interaction time....I do get some alone time when Sadie's in bed early, like tonight, and yes alone time is nice, but then it's a big reminder.. I'm alone... so was conference.. the talks were uplifting.. I enjoyed every one, but it's still a pointed finger at my single life, my lack of an immediate family life past Sadie and I. Yes, holiday's could be spent some with my children and grandchildren, but.. oh crap. it's not the same. ..and I'm just whining. My life is what it is. My choices got me here. I guess writing this just lets me let it out. I'm blessed. I am. I never dreamed I'd have my own home again. I feel like I've finally come home and my life is nearly complete. It's probably as complete as it's ever going to get.

Sadie has adapted with the move so well. She loves running through the house and backyard, and she didn't like going back to the duplex for loads. I'm where I'm supposed to be and I'm learning to accept life as it is and be happy, and yet...