Saturday, February 20, 2010
Pulling my head out
Since I've been pre-qualified for a home loan I've been on a roller-coaster of emotion of emotion, torn between where I want to live or "should" live. I feel bad in some ways in that we see less of my family by living here. This is something I've never taken lightly. I've contemplated moving here over the years. I thought it was for love, but I think maybe that person was just my key to getting here, that maybe we weren't meant to be at all. However, I've grown to really love this place. It feels like home. Though, some still question my logic and sanity over my decisions, but I'm comfortable here, and I feel it's the right decision for Sadie and I to settle here. Sadie is doing well in the school system here and her therapists are just awesome. People are kind to use. I really feel this is where we need to be. I feel free of some of my painful past. I really need this new start for Sadie and I. It doesn't mean I don't love my family or miss them terribly, but they have to live their own lives, and I need to live mine where we feel we are led.
I really think in buying my own home is also a breakthrough for me in that I can finally break away any hopes for this relationship that has had me in distress for years. I can take care of me and Sadie. I've always known that. I didn't want a man to provide for use physically and financially. I wouldn't let one. I'm very very stubborn that way, and when it comes to Sadie's care I'm even more stubborn about it. I've been accused of just wanting a man for his home, $$ and to be a father to Sadie.....well those accusers don't know Julie well at all! Hell will freeze over before I'll lean on a man for any of those things, and I refuse to live in another woman's home. I want a home that spells "Julie" all over it with my personality, my tastes, and not an EX's.
Yes, I believe I'm finally healing from a lot of things.
I have a sweet female realtor I relate to well and who is being very helpful. She is lining up homes for me to visit. I'm really not fond of a condo, until she mentioned a swimming pool, but even then I need more of a yard, privacy, etc., than a condo can provide. Twin homes seem to be a big thing here and affordable, so I'm looking into several of them. I found a couple dream homes. One is out of my price range and the other one is sooo Julie but it's in Panguich which I think is too far out there for Sadie's best interests and care.
I'm talented. I'm not brilliant, but I am smart enough to take care of us without being a burden or dependent on family. I will not become a user or dependent leach to my family. It's selfish and not right.
I found Sadie a castle princess bed and I can't wait to start in on decorating her room. Yes, she is spoiled and will be, but she will also be disciplined and learn to do as much for herself as she can. She will be more confident and content if she feels she can be like everyone else and pull her weight in some ways.
She is so appreciative of the little things. Music brings her much joy. She teaches me so much every day about the simple things in life, and I plan on doing more of it.
I can't wait to get us settled. I'm going to plant flowers in every corner I can squeeze them in, some vegetables, and climbing roses and ivy over the fences, put in some fountains or little ponds and have gold fishies. I'm going to surround a room with shelves for my dolls, and sew and quilt, and play dolls with Sadie, play my piano, teach Sadie to play, dance and sing with her, and take her to church and teach her about Jesus, color, draw, paint, make crafts, visit family, maybe tour canyon lands... I wanted to share this all with a good man, but I can't find one who wants to share it with me....sobeit.
I'm going to keep moving forward, be a good person, do what is right, get back to the Temple, and God will take care of us. I'm afraid at this point in my life he's the only man that will. I didn't need a man for $$ or their home, etc., I needed his companionship, emotional support, and love, but few men have that to offer me. God knows my heart. Yes, I need a man to get into the Celestial Kingdom, and if I live my life as such God won't deny me that privilage. Maybe not in this life. I'm done fretting over finding one. It's just killed my self-esteem and confidence when I'm turned away, rejected, left alone and un-thought of for months at a time. Obviously it makes for a very selfish man who can only show up when they need you.
I'm on my way to getting better, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually and nothing is going to stand in my way, and if that means shutting men out of my life then that's just how it will have to be. I will not be hurt again by any man. I'm worth a lot more than I get credit for.
Sadie is my world. She is my Angel and my best friend for life. All of my kids are. I adore my grandkids and I will spend time with them too.
Julie and Sadie are going to be okay. We may be slow, but we have good hearts and we know what is right. We are going to make it.