Saturday morning, March 20th, Sadie woke up in the early morning hours fevering and having some struggling with respirations again, so I took her into the emergency room, to discover she had 2 raging ear infections and upper respiratory infection, still or again, who knows. It seems she is struggling to overcome the illness from last month. They gave her another Rocephin shot, Albuterol and Atrovent breathing neb treatment, and sent her home on an oral antibiotic. She seemed to perk up quickly and the fever only returned Saturday night. She seemed well enough Sunday, so we attended church, which she always enjoys. She loves the people, the singing, and the nursery.
Knowing she has an appointment in Salt Lake at Primary Children's Hospital on Monday, March 29th I've worried we would have to postpone her yearly cardiology check up, ECG and chest x-ray again, but I called the hospital Monday and talked with them again today, Thursday, and took her into our local pediatrician to have her ears rechecked, etc., and make sure her lungs were clear, and now I need to make the call to either go ahead with her appointment Monday or postpone it again. I hate making the call, especially alone.
Today's appointment was traumatic for Sadie. You never really know she is sick until she is fevering and crying in excruciating pain. She gets a little whiney, but no more than an average healthy child does on a daily basis at her age. She was just cranky yesterday and today somewhat, so I made the call to take her in. Well, her ears are still infected and she's on her last dose of antibiotics from last week. Her left ear, which is the tiniest ear canal of both had wax build up and they couldn't really see clearly, sooo they attempted saline irrigation, which she fought and didn't tolerate well. Between me and the nurse trying to hold her down and flush the ear really just ended up soaking Sadie and I with the saline that was supposed to go in a basin I held while holding down Sadie. ha..ha.. right. Well the 2 attempts at irrigation didn't really clear out the ear enough. Sadie had gotten so upset over the ordeal she burst the blood corpustules in her face and now looks like she has broken out with some horrible on her face. The doctor then had to go in her ear with an instrument and attempt to remove the wax so he could look at the ear. It took all the strength I had to be strong and not break down in tears or walk out with her, knowing she has to have these things done for her health.
In the process her ear got traumatized and has bled some since the procedure. We came home with numbing ear drops for pain, another antibiotic prescription and a prescription for the yeast infection that has broken out in her diaper area from all the antibiotic use. Yet, the little trooper only cried some in the car, grabbing her head, complaining some, but in the store and the pharmacy she put on her sunshine smile and greeted everyone with her hell-whoa's and hi hi hi's. Her face looking like she was breaking out in chickenpox. I feel guilty for getting after her for whining. Hell I had an earache a month ago and I was the biggest baby ever. It hurt like crap! and here this lil girl goes around with one for a month and has whined minimally, less than an average 2 year old, and cried rarely. It's so hard to tell when she is sick, until the fevers break out, of course, and the pain is more than she can bare.
I'm anxious to get her cardiology checkup over, and yet I'm so frightened and panicked. I keep telling myself it will be fine and everything will be working well and her pulmonary problems are still stable, but I can't help but fear more loss. After losing mom, going through the cancer ordeal, and struggling with losses and disappointments in my personal life I can't help but fear and have panic attacks over losing Sadie. She's only mine for this lifetime.. I know that. I know my time with her is short... even if she does live to adulthood.. in the life after this she is God's. I'm her earthly mother, caretaker, and nurturer and I feel I short-change her.
She's an example to me. She has no time for her physical pain, disabilities, set backs, and delays. She pushes forward every day, on the run, exploring and learning, and thrilling in the smallest of things in life. She thoroughly enjoys God's gifts to us all.. music, the outdoors, the flowers, the wind in her face. I'm so ashamed sometimes for letting the depression and struggles of daily living get to me.
I've had loss, pain and disappointment, and I'm scared. Things are looking up for us somewhat. Getting our home is a big thing and big plus in our lives. I finally feel I'm where I belong as far as location and progressing in that area, which has taken me years to get here, and yet I don't dare hope things are on the rise and brighter side for us. I'm so used to turning a corner and being wammed with more heartache and troubles.
I've discovered in the last week that I'm even more withdrawn that I thought. My self-worth and self-esteem have dropped even lower than I had anticipated. I have no confidence, not even in areas I was very confident in years ago. I feel so inadequate in so many aspects of my life. I'm afraid to get out there and be fully involved in church again. It's hard to explain.
It looks like I may be closing on my house any day now. The landlord has a very possible renter for my place and I maybe having to move in a hurry next week. I can move most things alone, but Monday's trip to Salt Lake and back, and then working 6 hours, leaves me little time to move. Sadie's health needs to be a priority, but I also need to get moved and things taken care of at both places. I need to just focus on each day.. Sadie's health is #1, work, and getting moved, and I can only take it day by day. I don't know what tomorrow brings. I hate the unknown.
It's ironic... for someone who has always hated moving, change, new things, new places, and being more of an introvert than anything.. I've sure put myself in situations over the last 6 years that are very very very much out of my comfort zone and increase my anxieties tremendously.
I miss having a councilor. The state provided me one when Sadie was in the up to 3 program to help cope with a disabled child, single parenthood, and losing my mom, etc., and now I'm on my own. I lean less on a couple people I really leaned on emotionally and have learned to not count on them... and yet I long for their constant support, but I know I will never have it.. and learning to let go is a struggle.
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